June 9, 2016
Came across an article on the Internet a while back in which fashionable writer Simon Doonan identified the Five Tribes of current male fashion, which he identified as the Perverse Prepster, the Arty Ninja, the Dedicated Follower of Satin, the Statham, and the subject of this piece, the Schlub. Schlubs, according to Noonan, are “a significant and growing […]
May 16, 2016
The Republican Party of the South has found a new nonexistent problem to be up in arms about, and that is people of uncertain sexuality peeing next to them. Having solved voter fraud that didn’t happen and kept Planned Parenthood from selling baby parts, which they weren’t, Republican politicians, particularly in the South, are […]
December 4, 2015
Brides are viewed as a source of joy, laughter and happiness in a family. Not even a single groom would prefer dealing with a bride who makes his life much complicated and hard. To the groom, the value he gives his bride is worth enough to display the beauty that he may have foreseen in […]
November 22, 2015
“Mammalian life is social and relational. What defines the mammalian class, physiologically, is … the possession of a portion of the brain known as the limbic system, which allows us to do what other animals cannot: read the interior states of others of our kind. To survive, we need to know our own inner […]
October 13, 2015
It was announced that Playboy Magazine will no longer feature nudity. Clothed women in sexy poses will still be allowed. Of course, this means that the publication will now be competing with many advertisements from mops to cat food. I guess we will get to see how interesting the articles really are…
How long […]
October 9, 2015
For the sexiest, most fun-filled party with plenty of great food and drinks, partygoers are flocking to the Bucks party cruise in Sydney.
The Bucks party boat cruise in Sydney gives customers several wonderful options in which to choose from in formulating their stag or bachelor party plans.
September 25, 2015
The options for the perfect stag party are limitless. Most soon to be grooms would be happy watching the hottest topless waitresses and barmaids in town, but there are other ways to enjoy buck night. These event party ideas are sure to keep all men in attendance happy.
1. Hire an Exotic […]
August 30, 2015
Throwing a great bucks party in Sydney does not have to be difficult. You have countless options and group activities and a wide expanse of vendors to choose from. The best man, usually the best friend or brother, is in charge of the party. He will normally know the activities that will lead […]
February 14, 2015
The Valentine’s Day post, reprinted. Few things say more about a man than the state of his refrigerator and what it usually says is that he is the same as all the other men. A woman’s refrigerator is cleaner and has more available space, even a woman with a complicated relationship with food. This is […]
November 10, 2014
Tucker Carlson, a FOX News talking head, recently proclaimed a need for “Older White Guy Appreciation Day,” a holiday which would be devoted to the honoring of well-aged Caucasian males, people often referred to as “the old dude,” “the old fart,” or just “the Boss.”
The proposal was widely mocked for being inherently […]
October 20, 2014
She was a comely young lass,
with a very sweet sass,
and globular spheres of titillation.
With a perky demeanor,
She was a bit of a screamer,
and offered tender relief of frustration.
Though a bit of a stinker,
She was also a winker,
A nod to generous social […]
October 16, 2014
Emmy. Emmy Rossum, one of the stars of the TV series “Shameless” is quoted on the cover of the most recent issue of Cosmopolitan as saying “Men only need two things—grilled cheese and sex.”
Now, Cosmo usually gives us five or six snappy blurbs on the cover designed, as all cover blurbs are, […]
June 19, 2014
The awards season is drawing to a close, and those few of you concerned with prizes named after guys like Pulitzer and Nobel still have to admit that you were glued to your TV screens over the weekend when Spike TV announced its winners in the Hotness category of its Guys’ Choice Awards. For those of […]
December 2, 2013
A semi-recent news item took note of Russian performance artist Pyotr Pavlensky , who nailed his scrotum to the cobblestones of Red Square in Moscow to protest Russia’s “descent into a police state.”
Pavlensky, who makes a habit of injuring himself in the name of freedom, also sewed his lips together last year to […]
November 18, 2013
I chanced across a recent Internet item that purported to tell me where to aim my personal stream in order to avoid misting myself when using a public urinal.
This problem is a recent one for the XY segment of mankind. Before the invention of indoor plumbing we guys urinated far and wide, […]
October 3, 2013
This guy, like all guys, thinks he looks smooth. The Style issue of the New Yorker got wadded into my mailbox last week, as it does once every year. This is never enjoyable for me. First, it means I will not get another magazine for two weeks, as the effort the New Yorker […]
August 12, 2013
Real men wear stuff they don’t need to iron
A recent Internet survey revealed that a majority ofwomen think men are only good for changing tires, barbecuing, drinking and killing spiders. They wish we would learn to iron, dance and follow fashion trends.
This is the sort of snarky thinking that denigrates all […]
July 29, 2013
Here in San Diego our mayor is under attack for what is apparently a long history of groping women. The mayor, who is seventy and divorced, has been indulging in his hobby since he was a Congressman, a job he held for ten terms. He specializes in fanny-patting, doorway-blocking and what several of […]
June 5, 2013
The actor Michael Douglas recently revealed the cause of his semi-recent battle with throat cancer. When I first saw the headline on AOL. I hesitated to click on it for a few moments. This was because, in typical AOL fashion, the headline read “Shocking Cause of Michael Douglas’s Cancer,” with a […]
May 6, 2013
I must have permission to use this picture– Hooters emailed it to me I had it right here. I got it the other day while I was at the ballpark with my Significant Other, who insisted I sign up for the Hooters’ emailing list in order to obtain it. The Hooters girls […]
February 14, 2012
Few things say more about a man than the state of his refrigerator and what it usually says is that he is the same as all the other men. A woman’s refrigerator is cleaner and has more available space, even a woman with a complicated relationship with food. This is because the female knows to […]
February 1, 2012
I got nearly got myself in trouble today by sitting in my Significant Other’s pink desk chair in a wet towel.
The pink chair is one I have dragged into her office to use; it originally sat in her daughters’ room. It is designed be sat in by a young woman. It’s not a […]
January 21, 2012
I don’t want a hug. I don’t want to give you a hug. Even one of those man-hugs where you bump each other on the back with your clenched fists instead of embracing, although I would rather do that than really hug you. I realize that we know each other, and haven’t seen each […]
January 6, 2012
Leandra Medine, author of “The Man Repeller,” a popular fashion blog described here, is also responsible for the term “birth control fashion,” meaning fashion that is so outré it does not attract male attention but repels it. Leandra is pictured in the article wearing a few of her outfits.
I must admit I do […]
November 13, 2011
Of all of the things in life, I stare into the face of wonderment when I see the interaction and reaction of related men and women. Be they mothers, sisters, wives or girlfriends doesn’t seem to matter. The roles are there, and the behaviors are exhibited.
Men and women are different species on the same tree of life, the tree that says we are going where she says. It is the path of least resistance, most of the time we just do what she wants to do. It is the old saying that if momma is happy then everyone is happy. Men have to pick their battles carefully and use good strategy in tactics to achieve our outcomes. It is where the interesting part happens.
My mother was in the hospital for 12 days through surgery, infection, recovery and physical therapy. Her “parole” as she calls it, brings her to the den, along with my sister, nurses, family and friends throughout the place. A mass of people fills the house with activity and voices. The conversations rattle in different rooms with guys in the living room and the women in the den. Occasionally we interact in the area of the kitchen and dining room. Each with our own bathroom and living space we chatter away seemingly unaware of what is going on in the other room. Continue reading AD Hoc Committee of The Women
November 13, 2011
The author has recently been vacationing in Mexico, indulging himself in fishing, eating, soaking up Baja sun, drinking cold Pacificos and otherwise ignoring his obligation to radiate profundities on the Internet. The following wisdom was penned by his alter ego, The Single Dad.
One of the most important things you, as Single Dad, can teach your offspring is the finite nature of earthly existence. This should not be done by threatening to kill anyone, including the child or your ex-wife or wives. This should be done by the use of pets.
Nothing is more invariably fatal to a domestic animal than being owned by a child, and the more sensitive the child, the more likely the beast is to expire quickly. Dogs and cats that live to be twenty years old are always owned by old people. It becomes a grim, somewhat wheezy contest between Granny and Bootsie to see who can hold on the longest. However, a kitten given to a child promptly searches for the nearest moving Hyundai to throw itself under. This gives the child a harsh lesson in tragedy, and also a pretty clear idea of what the inside of a kitten looks like.
It’s obvious that this is a unnecessarily grisly introduction to the subject of death, so it is recommended by the Single Dad that other, smaller species of pet be given to the child at first, so he is used to the impermanence of existence when that adorable puppy, oblivious to the endless hours of whining and promising that preceded its procurement, makes its mad dash for the most convenient set of rolling Michelins in order to end it all, and reduce the chance that the tragedy will permanently scar your child. Continue reading Pet Heaven
November 9, 2011
Last night my husband told me he liked my hair before I cut it. In 35 years he has never played the ‘hair card’, that is showing verbal or physical disdain for how I wear my hair and suggesting that I wear it in a style pleasing to him. I am not a hair person. Hair that is long and beautiful (cough because I don’t think length has anything to do with beauty) takes a lot of work. I would rather write or go dancing or just sit and read than constantly doing something with my hair. I have worn most styles and have gotten to the point where I like it short and easy to handle. But when a man plays the hair card he is voicing an opinion that could lead to all sorts of problems in a society obsessed with hair. Especially voicing it with me. Continue reading When A Man Plays The Hair Card
November 3, 2011
Kevin Gaylor, of Colorado Springs, Colorado, is being nominated here for a Life Achievement Award in the field of being a louse. No matter where the 24 year-old’s life path takes him in the future, he is doubtful to ever surpass last week’s performance in the area of being a hiney-hole, when, after meeting a woman online, he invited her over to meet him in person at the house he shared with his girlfriend. At the coincidence of his girlfriend coming home unexpectedly early and the arrival of his new cyber-acquaintance, he reported his spur of the moment date to the police as a burglar.
The police, after interviewing all involved, arrested the Kevster for making a false report.
Being a louse is a capacity that comes naturally to many men, but Kevin is starring at it while yet a relative rookie in the arena of relationships. Some of you fans of lousedom may interpret the Kev-man’s early breakout success as a portent of many successful seasons of spectacular infidelities. Others may see him as a mere flash in the pan, preferring the long-term body of work turned in by public louses like Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich and Charlie Sheen. Continue reading When Not to Call the Cops
October 29, 2011
I was at the US Passport office the other day, providing company and entertainment for my Significant Other as she waited to get her application vetted by the authorities, when I felt the call of nature. The nearest men’s room was only a few steps away.
The passport office is located in my neighborhood in the county administration building, and the men’s rooms in the county building are a fairly nice place to relive oneself, compared to other men’s rooms that I’ve used, especially those in bars and stadiums. There the need for human males to void their bladders increases in direct proportion to the amount of alcohol they’ve consumed, while their ability to hit their porcelain targets decreases in inverse proportion to the same. The resulting spray-fest would put a pack of roaming coyotes to shame. It renders those environs slippery and odoriferous.
The passport office restroom was clean and sedate by comparison, probably because most of its users are sober at the time and also because a government employee janitor who likely makes nearly as much a year as a college professor regularly scrubs it out. After calmly performing the task at hand, I hit the button on the wall to flush the unit. Continue reading Flushing Away the Future
August 10, 2011
Qualitative – (def) Involving or relating to distinctions based on quality; Involving comparisons based on qualities; Associated with the subjective quality of a thing.
Quantitative – (def) Associated with an objective quality of a thing; relating to the measurement of quantity;
Easing – (def) The act of reducing something; monetary policy used to print new money and increase the money supply by buying government securities from ‘yourself’; The major risk of quantitative easing is with more money floating around and a fixed amount of goods for sale, it will lead to higher prices/inflation.
Quantitative Easing! This is just a fancy way to say that the quality of the dollar in your pocket is worth less, the quality has been eased right out of it. It takes more of the lesser quality dollars to get the same thing. Inflation of the price means a devaluation of the dollar. In all this talk of default, they usually forget to mention the stealth default of devaluation. That is what we are doing. We have already defaulted on our debts. We are printing more dollars thus devaluing the dollars we own/owe, and paying back less than we borrowed. Worry about your Social Security instead of China and Japan. The elderly can afford the Qualitative Easing less than sovereign nations.
Worry about your grocery bill and your utilities. They are going to cost more dollars. Concern yourself with the price of gasoline it is going to cost more. Worry about your income, it’s not going up…and it may be going down. Don’t worry about Republican or Democrat, worry about America! The politicians and elites want you to be partisans who are divided, so that we don’t see the other hand picking our pockets, and the pockets of our kids. Continue reading Sailor: Drunken & Qualitatively Eased
July 3, 2011
The judicial system in the United States supposedly made some change years ago that would make it easier for victims of rape to come forward and testify. Rape had always been a he said she said crime making it difficult to prove if the victim was not a virgin or someone of such high moral fiber that the jury would know she was not lying. DNA was used, tests taken and judges refused to allow certain things about a victims past to be mentioned in court. Still every victim of rape is molested twice in this country: one by the rapist and then again by the courts. Why? Because no matter what laws have been changed or implemented there is always a way to make a rape victim look bad. Continue reading A Victim of Rape is Just That – A Victim
June 18, 2011
My Dad with my sisters and me
Real Dads come in all shapes and sizes. They come full of love, and surprises. They accept you as you are and encourage you to do even better that you did. They don’t turn their backs on you; they hold their heads up high. Real […]
May 2, 2011
A spokesman for the National Institute for Health announced today that the male hormone testosterone has been discovered to be a powerful mind-altering substance.
“Acid, psilocybin, Burmese Kush and even Kentucky moonshine are barely psychoactive compared to testosterone,” he said. “The presence of the male hormone in their bodies insures that every man on the planet lives his life under a set of illusory beliefs. For example, have you ever wondered why every single American guy thinks he can coach his favorite football team better than its actual coach, even though the average fan just watches a couple games on TV every week and the coach has devoted his whole life to studying the sport? Have you ever thought why every golfer feels qualified to give Tiger Woods advice on his swing, or why your neighbor wants to show you how to put your prefab shed together, even though he keeps his tools under a tarp in the yard? Previously, we thought that these guys were just full of crap, but now we realize the answer lies in the hallucinatory effects of testosterone.”
When questioned as to how the human race could possibly have advanced into civilization with half its members completely delusional at all times, the spokesman replied. “It explains a lot. When mankind was evolving, it was important that primitive men think that they were capable of meeting enormously difficult challenges, like killing woolly mammoths with pointed sticks and kicking saber-tooth tiger tail. Under the influence of testosterone, cave men could decide killing giant mammals for food and sport was easy. Of course it was not, and many cave guys died trying. Science tells us that the cave men that were actually capable of opening a can of whup-ass on a mammoth herd and winning smackdowns with cave bears are the ancestors of us all, even that whiny, scrawny guy on your block who wears support hose with Bermuda shorts and has to grab for his asthma inhaler every time he comes within fifty feet of your Chihuahua.” Continue reading Testosterone Discovered to be Powerful Hallucinogen
March 30, 2011
Last week Chris Brown performed on Good Morning America. And he performed like an idiot afterwards. Seems that he did not like the questions Robin Roberts asked him so he did what most five year olds do when they can’t have their way. He had a temper tantrum. Only he isn’t five. He is a grown man who broke a window and probably some other items in a dressing room at ABC. He apologized later but what about sincerity? Here is a young man who is mad because the world will never, especially now, stop asking him about his relationship with the woman he was accused of abusing.
It made him mad and he acted out. Continue reading Will Chris Brown Ever Learn?
March 25, 2011
Dr Issa Dahabreh of Tufts Medical Center in Boston confirms what some suspected all along. Sex can kill you. Sudden bursts of intense physical activity can really hurt you! The research recommends that those who don’t “exercise” regularly should start out slowly and build the intensity of the exercise over time. Having sex […]
March 5, 2011
Well… there is no good way to start, so here we go. Psychology professor J. Michael Bailey, of Northwestern University has done something very upsetting to many. After his class in human sexuality on February 21, Professor Bailey invited his students for a frank discussion of sexual fetishes. He warned them repeatedly that it […]
February 22, 2011
I have often been a critic of poor eating habits. I eat well and have enjoyed a few delicacies in my life. But, I never knew that eating is bad for your health, well sort of. Maura Gillison of Ohio State University says “When you compare people who have an oral infection…the single greatest […]
December 9, 2010
I have a great relationship with one of my brothers in-law. I love him dearly. Not only is he good to my sister, he is loving and supportive to our entire family. He will call to check if he or my sister hasn’t heard from me in several days.
When my dad got ill my brother in-law helped my sisters and I in every way possible to care for my father despite the fact that my father had given him sort of a rough time over the years. When my youngest child also became ill my brother in-law was at the hospital every day, rand errands and did whatever was needed to help us during both illnesses.
My brother in-law is a very bright and well educated guy. He reads several newspapers daily on and off line. Every now and then he will email or send, via the US Postal service, some article he thinks I will find interesting. He is so well read that he is capable of holding a decent conversation with just about anyone on just about any subject. So it puzzles me that his favorite television program is Two and a Half Men.
No matter what is going on when the show airs my supper bright brother in-law is in front of his TV. I don’t understand what the appeal is. Out of deference to my brother in-law I tried to watch the program hoping to understand what someone so intelligent found entertaining and fascinating about this so-called comedy. I couldn’t sit through the first 15 minutes. My sister, his wife, doesn’t understand it either. It must be a guy thing. Continue reading Two and a Half Men and A Little Gray Cell Hiatus
December 4, 2010
Let’s start with this: I am not therapist of an advice guru. For some reason the article I wrote on May 19, 2009 has gotten more responses since September of this year then it did in the past. All of them are sad, all of them angry, some even jumping on me for actually not blaming employed husbands enough. True people read what they want to into blogs and posts so maybe some have not understood my point. There are still a lot of unemployed people out there, male and female. I’m glad this is a place where they can vent their anger and frustration. So let me revisit what really bothers me about these situations. And everyone feel free to slam me with your response. Continue reading Unemployed Husbands, Unsympathetic Wives Revisited
November 3, 2010
India Arie sings “I am not my hair” and I understand and believe. I have done several things with my thick, kinky hair over the years. It has been fun and often interesting. Sometimes it was to emulate the ‘look of the oppressor’ as we said in the 60’s when Afros came into vogue. Other times it was to emulate my African ancestors. Over the years I have watched the hair thing evolve for women of color but recently I started noticing that everybody has a hair thing- even men. Continue reading The Hair Thing- For Everybody
October 2, 2010
Yesterday reminded me of a cartoon I saw years ago. There was a seagull flying in the air, and a little boy looks up and says “go ahead, everybody else does.” I was up very early, preparing to drive a couple of hours for a ‘meeting’ which I was required to attend. I started the day with a positive attitude, revved up and ready to work. I got in my car with a great outlook and tried to start it, with no success. After some investigation, I realized that the fuel pump had decided to retire. No matter, as luck would have it, I have an old beater Cadillac I can drive. Even though it is old, and the inspection expired Thursday, there is still a good quality to be found. It was a crisp morning, and the car was musty, so I zipped the windows down and departed, quickly meeting up with the “Lincoln Lady”. This lady is a pair of bifocals peering through the steering wheel, with a freshly permed mound of gray curls, barely visible above the wheel. She has a tendency to pull her boat out when she is ready. I have run into her (well nearly) on several occasions. Today I had to stand on the brakes, and was certain I would have to change my BVD’s. I didn’t have to but did just get stopped! I followed the usual route down the road when I encountered a road closed sign. I followed the detours around a circuitous route of signs and road blocks. When I encountered the road I wanted, I spotted a road crew. They were talking, smoking and eating donuts. I didn’t see any work going on. Around the corner and down the underpass I go, to find a train running the tracks at 5mph. I decided to back up and take a different route, when another three vehicles encase me where I am. The train shouldn’t take very long nor should it? After waiting about 10 minutes, the train came to a stop and then started to reverse! After a few minutes, the train stops again. This time, several men disembark it and wander up and down the tracks to look at what?! Once the train departed and got out of the way, we had spent 25 minutes sitting at the ringing lights. Thank God I was early enough to have made a thermos of coffee, as I surely didn’t have time to stop anywhere now! I still hear ding – ding – ding – ding in my mind! Continue reading Watch Out for Seagulls!
September 17, 2010
As another birthday goes by, I realized all that has changed, and what has not. I wake up with aches and pains I didn’t used to feel. My back hurts, my legs ache, and my joints crunch like maracas when I climb or descend the stairs. Hearing is diminished some with age, which can also be a good thing sometimes.
There are these damnable little lines at the corners of my eyes, and across my forehead; little memories of expressions past. They just won’t go away, always there, a reminder of days gone by. I have earned these wrinkles and should have quite a few more. As I entered my 30’s I still looked the same. From school days on, I looked the same, perhaps a more mature version, but the same nonetheless. As I entered my 40’s, my shoulders fell to my waist, and my hair fell out; at least in the back, where I couldn’t see it.
But as the decades rolled by, the changes became more numerous, and now I find that I am able to sit on things that were once out of the way and in their proper place. I also didn’t know what a hemorrhoid was until I got one. And I have to pee now so much more, and you can’t hold it…ready or not it arrives. And what is a whole night of sleep anymore? These are perhaps the most obnoxious of the symptoms of maturity. Then there are the grey hairs where you don’t want them, hair which is thinning or disappearing.
Visits to the doctor change as you get older. What once was a look into your eyes and ears, and a turn your head and cough, has turned into latex insertions into tender spots, and cameras in places unimaginable. Continue reading The Passage of Time and its’ Gifts
August 2, 2010
“Could you talk to him?” she says.
“About how you stopped.” She’s talking about my drinking. I’ve been sober 28 years and she’d like me to give her boyfriend advice on how to beat this thing. I don’t like him much. He’s what I am, what I used to be. He’s weak and stupid and manipulative and it would be so easy for me to ruin this thing for him. I’m jealous because she loves him and she should love me. “Sure,” I say, “I’ll give him a call.”
So here I am, listening to this guy try to pull the crap on me that I pulled on people for years. Alcoholics always try to get you to talk about yourself so that the focus is off of them. “So, what do you do down there, at work?”
“This isn’t about me, it’s about you.” Continue reading Sponsor
July 1, 2010
I saw her here,
I saw her there,
I saw her hair right down to there,
Her lips of wine,
Her scent divine,
God, I want to make her mine. Continue reading I saw her there…
June 25, 2010
Yesterday I ended up dispensing some advice to a young man thinking about getting married. I told him something that I had learned over the years that rings true in our society: men marry women and want them to stay the same; women marry men and try to change them. He had heard that before but hadn’t paid attention to it but the woman he loves suddenly has started acting, as he put it, funny. A beautiful woman if you ever looked at her you probably would never get to see the insecurity that comes with wanting to be married at a certain age to the man of your dreams. A man who has decided that he may not want to marry you because you are jealous and you have a different plan for the future.
Most of the mistakes people make in trying to mate with each other are obvious. The heart wants what it wants and that leads to all sort of mistakes of the heart. Continue reading Mistakes of the Heart
May 30, 2010
As we celebrate our veterans in the middle of yet another war, I have a story told to me by a friend who rarely talks about his Vietnam expierience. It is with his permission I pass this on.
Henry was sixteen when left home in for no particular reason 1963. It was just what impatient young men did. Henry was black, very black. He was thick and muscular, with a penetrating stare and hair with a mind of its own. His gait and demeanor suggested menace, but he was always delightfully cheerful and easygoing. He was what, mythically, white folks feared; a confidant Black man. His restlessness and the belief that he needed to expand his horizons sent him to South Carolina, near his mother’s relatives. After finishing high school and drifting for a while, He enlisted in the Army and never went home again. Continue reading For Veterans
March 29, 2010
“What’s the deal with boobs?” she asked me quite frankly.
“What is it about them that men like so much?
“Well…” I replied, “They’re really quite nice.
They’re smooth and soft and lovely to touch.
Continue reading What’s the Deal?
March 12, 2010
To be honest I like the latest, hottest commercial on television because it is funny, not because the man selling the product is good looking from head to toe and has a voice that could whisper in my ear anytime. The sensuality is a plus. But it is a good commercial, it’s a funny commercial and the actor went so over the top that he created a character that has 2 millions views on YouTube.
And he’s on a horse. Continue reading The Man on the Horse- Do We Care How He Smells?
January 22, 2010
The rumor mill is at it again and although there may be some truth to this rumor there is much sadness connected to it. Tiger Woods is in rehab for sexual addiction.
They have got to be kidding? Right?
No, someone spotted him at a clinic in Mississippi where it is said it may take him five years to be cured. Cured of what I ask because I don’t think the man is addicted to sex but just trying to catch up from not being able to have a normal youth because of his aggressive and protective father. Continue reading Tiger Woods is Where?!?!
December 9, 2009
Listen up all you would be philanderers and potential assassins of family virtues. I come to warn you about the sirens out to tempt and snare you. You think your status as celebrity will cover your sins as your bodyguards watch your back and your publicists protect your image. But trust me, these temptresses with long locks and longer legs are out to get everything they can for the time they spend in the dark with you. And when these long stemmed vixens come up smelling like roses you will come up smelling of the death of your career and probably life as you know it. Continue reading Advice for Would Be Cheating Men
October 19, 2009
The Aspirants for the Diaconate were told to go to the Large Theology Room, and I was one of those who went. Adjacent to Large Theology stood the Small Theology Room, but being men who sought ordination we showed the proper obedience and filed into the Large and not the Small. Truthfully, I was surprised Dunwoodie had accepted me up to this point. After all, on my Medical form I was asked if I dribbled immediately after the act of urination, to which I responded, No, but occasionally after an orgasm my urine has been known to fork in two like the Tgris-Euphrates River! Those were my exact words, courtesy of the future Deacon Demented. More about that later. If nothing else I did provide them with a Biblical allusion. I wanted the Diaconate Board to know up front that I was a man who recognized the legitimacy of his penis. I also wanted them to know that I was iconoclastic to boot, and not some clone of collectve Chrisitanity. Other absurd questions, at least to me, appeared on the questionaire, and I was vitriolic wherever I deemed it necessary. Then, on a different application, I was asked to give my most important reason for wanting to beome a deacon. I simply wrote that I was tired of stifling my yawns each time one of the priests (or deacons ) in my priest uttered yet another azure sermon, which made me feel, of all people, like Albert Camus. Therefore, I yearned to preach myself and fulminate from the pulpit and hopefully plant a few seeds that would bear fruit in the future. In short, I wanted the congregation to think for a change. All this and more I wrote on my various apps. I even appeared less than pious when I was interviewed in March by two holy deacons just prior to undergoing their battery of tests. I had argued that Thomas a Kempis should have canonized as a saint by now after some five hundred years. One of the deacons countered by saying that, unlike bonified saints, Thomas a Kempis’ body reeked after death. I then said that it was a pity that a Kempis hadn’t died in formaldehyde. Both deacons then cleared their semiotic throats at my expense, and that was that. So, here I was in Large Theology, on a warm May Monday night, an Aspirant along with the other candidates but no doubt the least pious of the lot. It all went to prove that the Catholic Church must have really been desperate if they were willing to recriut the likes of me, a Lutheran through and through who always believed that religion should be taught with a wink instead of the customary sledgehammer. Continue reading Deacon Demented
August 25, 2009
And we usually guess wrong! […]
August 8, 2009
Just a simple African band
woven of elephant hair
by a long discarded culture
that truly believed in forever.
And when you gave it to me
you said that it would bind me
to you for all of time
my heart, my soul, my mind.
Continue reading A Simple African Band
April 18, 2009
I can never leave the house again. I cannot subject myself to the embarrassment of my affliction nor can I bring myself to force others to suffer along with me. No one should have to choose between pity and disgust for my sake. I should not expose myself to the world demanding that people accept me for what I am. I should be hidden away.
Nothing could have prepared me for this. It happened without warning and at the age of fifty, one would think that this is the kind of burden that is carried only by the very aged, but here it is happening to me. It has made me feel tired and used. How can I explain without people running away screaming, perhaps at the thought that this, too, might happen to them, someday.
Continue reading Old Fart
March 6, 2009
I have tried to leave your name out of the talk about domestic abuse but you keep returning to the mix. I understand you and Chris Brown are back together and that cause a plethora of problems on which you probably never focused. You think this is none of my business but you are so wrong. It became everyones business the moment you said ‘he hit me’. Continue reading A Letter to Rihanna