March 12, 2010

I Suffer from Jokeaphobia

I Suffer from Jokeaphobia

by Bob Grant

I love a good joke – I enjoy laughing when people are funny.  However, when I try to tell a joke – that I have heard – I get nothing.  I either forget the punch line, am so excited to get to the punch line that I forget the story, [...]

March 12, 2010

The Man on the Horse- Do We Care How He Smells?

To be honest I like the latest, hottest commercial on television because it is funny, not because the man selling the product is good looking from head to toe and has a voice that could whisper in my ear anytime. The sensuality is a plus. But it is a good commercial, it’s a funny commercial and the [...]

March 11, 2010

An Open Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama,

Hey, it’s Brandon again.

I recently read that you are inviting Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg to The White House to view the new HBO series The Pacific. I think that’s great. It’s very honorable that you are respecting these men who are chronicling the efforts of our uniformed men and women. I just [...]

March 10, 2010

Vacation Lists

My family and I just returned from a fantastic holiday. As soon as I got home I started looking for my countless lists of Things To Do. But that inevitably lead to Things to Avoid. So I have decided to compile lists of Things on Vacation. WAY more fun, and, I am sure, very [...]

February 26, 2010

Comedy and Censorship

At what point does comedy become hate speech? How free is free speech? Do we still have lines that comedians and other entertainers can’t cross?

Comedian Guy Earle

Canadian comedian Guy Earle is dealing with all these questions lately. Earle is being taken to the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal to face charges of hateful speech. [...]

February 26, 2010

PALMETTO BUGS

The South’s favorite [...]

February 25, 2010

The World Turned Upside Down

I don’t want to say that I live in a bizarre world but you see I reside in a town called Topsy Turvy in the country of Before. My name is Todd and I live on a small farm with my parents and my grandfather. I go to school and am proud to be at [...]

February 23, 2010

Coyotes Making a Home in New York City

I am waiting for the morning when I look out my bedroom window and see a pack of coyotes traipsing down the street like they own the place. Their paws making prints in the snow, their presence making those hanging out after a night on the town take a second look at the number of [...]

February 17, 2010

Bus Story: A Stinky Situation

The man sitting next to me farted. It was loud. It was also the worse expulsion of body gases I had ever endured. He didn’t say sorry or excuse me. He just looked straight ahead as if the overwhelming odor had not invaded his olfactory senses.

I held my breath because I thought I was going [...]

February 16, 2010

Glenn Beck is Still A Fat, Angry, Crazy Person!

Things change a lot. Like the four seasons of the year, things come and go, rise and fall, sparkle and fade. We live in an uncertain world, where we lose things we hold dear without any warning. Luckily, there are some things that stay the same and will never, ever change.

Glenn Beck is one of [...]

February 11, 2010

My Big Day Off - In China

Below is something that I sent to my family and they all said they liked it.  However, they are family and what else could they say?  I have a manager/partner in China whose name is David – we have associates named Eric and Uncle Wong.  I live in Missouri and my relatives live in Wyoming.  This sets [...]

February 8, 2010

How to get your child through school successfully - a parents guide

Chapter 7 – Dealing with Schools

For most of us dealing with the teachers and administration at our child’s school can be a difficult process.  Many of us approach this important task with needless trepidation or false conceptions.

We were once students ourselves and may have built up a habit of obeying or even expecting punishment or [...]

February 3, 2010

Lohan:

EXCLUSIVE! EXCLUSIVE! Lindsay Lohan is a hoarder!

Lohan, interviewed by that woman from Reno 911, reveals to The Insider that she’s got a problem with hoarding — JUST LIKE THAT ONE SHOW ON THE TV!

“It’s kind of a sore subject,” the Mean Girls star says about her massive amount of shoes and clothing. “I just need [...]

February 1, 2010

Stuart Aken Reviews The Shadow of a Smile by Kachi A Ozumba

Kachi A. Ozumba’s story of corruption, judicial incompetence and prevailing injustice in Nigeria is lightened by the humour he mixes with the pathos. Zuba, the naive and honest victim, moves from initial complacent trust in the legal system through amazement, disbelief and despair to a realisation that he cannot expect the judicial authorities to treat [...]

January 24, 2010

From Bottom or Top

From Bottom or Top

by Bob Grant

We are tall or short or skinny or fat,

We can drill that well or swing that bat.

We are bald or gray or brown or blond,

We can pitch that tent or fish that pond.

We are fair or dark or pale or tan,

We can paint that fence or wash that van.

We are [...]

January 19, 2010

Wit, satire and forgery

As you know, we have a hacker who turns up on this site from time-to-time.

As you may not know, we also have a wit-cum-satirist-cum-forger who is now regularly in the habit of changing other people’s postings to satirise them.

Whilst I am delighted that the guy has a sense of humour somewhat absent from his substantive [...]

January 18, 2010

Return to Myanmar (Burma)

Two years ago, I visited Yangon and Mandalay, in Myanmar, to see for myself a country which our own Government was urging us not to visit. I found a marked contrast between the beautifully-tended boulevards and parks on the approach to each city – clearly showcases for visiting dignitaries – and the completely neglected downtown [...]

January 14, 2010

Stuart Aken’s Review of Seer’s Moon by Karen Wolfe

Seer’s Moon is Karen Wolfe’s second fantasy novel centring on the unusual activities of Granny Beamish and her cronies. With its mixture of comic style and supernatural content, the book had me smiling, chuckling and laughing out loud; much to the consternation of my fellow travellers. The story, or at least the main thread, follows [...]

January 9, 2010

A Fly on the Wall

A Fly on the Wall

by Bob Grant

Be a Fly on the Wall the old saying goes,

Is it something you want or a set up for woes?

Food on the plates and beer on the table,

Distracted before hearing what I am able?

There’s strips, and sprays, and things that kill,

Sure tests a fly’s reason and will.

If another fly sits [...]

January 8, 2010

Are You a Minnow or Are You a Whale?

Are You a Minnow or Are You a Whale?

by Bob Grant

Are you a Minnow or are you a Whale?

Is it for real or maybe a tale?

Like open waters or only small spaces?

There all the time or just certain cases?

Like breathing room and wide open air?

Are you that cave with a small snoring bear?

Are you a showoff [...]

January 7, 2010

Holy exploding underpants Batman!

A Nigerian friend of mine was in Washington and decided he wanted to party and visited a top club one night. Snake hips was shaking his stuff and hooked up with a real beauty in the club. “Hey babe I have something explosive hidden in my underpants.” He used a chat up line.

Did he:

 a) Blow [...]

January 2, 2010

Bragging A Little Bit

Bragging A Little Bit

by Bob Grant

Snow can be cold as it falls on the ground,

So soft and so quiet not making a sound.

Snow can be slick to people and cars,

Or made into things like snowmen and stars.

Snow can be wet when left on your shoes,

Or slowing the boy who brings you the news.

Snow can be [...]

December 27, 2009

THINGEES

What the heck do we call [...]

December 20, 2009

Santa’s Around Us Everywhere

Santa’s Around Us Everywhere

by Bob Grant

Santa on Airplanes – Santa in Cars,

Santa on Main Street – Santa in Bars.

Santa on Skateboards – Santa in Boats,

Santa on Horses – Santa in Coats.

Santa on Posters – Santa in Tights,

Santa on Windows – Santa in Lights.

Santa on Beer Mugs – Santa in Dreams,

Santa on Boxes – Santa in [...]

December 13, 2009

What if We were Paid in Prunes

What if We were Paid in Prunes

by Bob Grant

What if we were paid in Prunes?

Might create some different tunes?

For all you made you had to eat,

A change for life that would be sweet.

Greed would have its own revenge,

Those without – it would avenge.

Gas abounds but not for cars,

Crystal switched for Mason Jars.

The more they get [...]

December 12, 2009

The Answer that Solves All Problems

The Answer that Solves All Problems

by Bob Grant

The world has got problems – I can’t agree more,

There’s care for us all and then there is war.

The unanswered question I now to you pose,

Where goes a bogger that comes from ones nose?

Do you look at it first or flick it away?

Do you wipe your arm with it or use [...]

December 11, 2009

Twas The Night Before Christmas-a silly spoof

More rapid than an eagle, his Ford truck [...]

December 10, 2009

Life’s Little Questions

Life’s Little Questions

by Bob Grant

Life’s little questions have been written before,

Now I take on a few at least once more.

I ask that you all keep an Open Mind,

But don’t let your Brains Fall Out so we can’t find,

The Shower you Took that made you Clean,

With the Speed Of Dark on your shower screen,

With soap the [...]

December 9, 2009

Shock, Scrapper, Blisters

Shock, Scrapper, Blisters

by Bob Grant

Men will be men – boys will be boys,

They play with their games – they play with their toys.

They beat on their chests – they roar in the air,

They drink with their friends – they brag on their pair.

They talk of their sports – they speak of their work,

They stray from [...]

December 9, 2009

It's Just One Weird Dream

It’s Just One Weird Dream

by Bob Grant

As I gaze upon the square,

See animals in their underwear.

Some are old – some are new,

Some are white – some are blue.

Some are male – some are not,

Some are drab – some are hot.

Some are jumping – some are sitting,

Some are grinning – some are flitting.

Alas, it’s just one weird [...]

December 7, 2009

I’m Taking Up Golf!

I’m Taking Up Golf!

By Alan Caruba

I have a confession to make. I have never engaged in any sports activity demanding any energy. About as close to a sporting activity I ever got was shooting pool or as fancy folk call it, billiards. The English version is called Snooker. In my time I did a lot [...]

December 6, 2009

Bad Habits of Others

Bad Habits of Others

by Bob Grant

 

Bad habits of others get under your skin,

The list is quite long so let me begin.

Grinding the teeth or picking the nose,

Chewing that gum or painting ones toes.

Tapping that pencil or sucking of gums,

Breaking that wind or licking of thumbs.

Belching quite loud or sucking up snot,

Scratching ones crotch or giggling [...]

December 5, 2009

I’m a dog that won’t bark

I’m a dog that won’t bark

by Bob Grant

 

I’m a dog that won’t bark – a cow that won’t moo.

I’m a pig that won’t oink – a cat that won’t mew.

I’m a frog that won’t croak – a bird that won’t tweet.

I’m a hare that won’t jump – a croc that won’t eat.

I’m a creature with no need [...]

December 2, 2009

Unique Christmas Decorations

My daughter forwarded this to me – I thought it was worth sharing.   My wife wants to try this – using me as the dummy:

Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations this year.

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.  The bad news [...]

November 26, 2009

The Hacker's Hex

For all of you Hackers – who give us such trouble,

We send you a Hex in form of a Bubble.

It travels through planes – it travels through trains,

It travels through brains – it travels through drains,

Puts gas in your guts – a rash on your butts,

Puts snot in your nose – and grease on your [...]

November 14, 2009

THE RIDICULOUS SIDE OF LIFE

 

The Wide and Wacky World of Sports

Nancy Pofahl

I like sports. My whole family does, save my daughter.  She’s the odd one.

When I was young, I loved to play tennis, volleyball, basketball or anything that involved guys crashing into girls. Especially [...]

November 13, 2009

Happy FU Day!

“Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other [...]

November 6, 2009

Review of “…. at last!”, edited by Tim Roux.

“At last!” Isn’t that what everyone says when they have their first sexual experience? “At last!” “it” happened. I recall as a young teenager praying (never out loud): “Please, God, don’t let me die until I’ve had sex!” And by that, I didn’t (and most people don’t) mean masturbation. That goes on without saying once [...]

November 5, 2009

My daughter – the one with the great sense of humor

My daughter is a school teacher – she sent me her answers to the questions below.  She is the one with the great sense of humor. 

Please Do Not Spoil The Fun! Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In
Your Answers. Then Send This To A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know…And
Send It Back [...]

November 4, 2009

The Eagle and the Donkey: A Story of the Christmas Season

A group of students take their teacher, Eric Lindahl, out on the town in Mexico City’s Plaza Garibaldi during the Christmas season. They are in for some big surprises when a local tough shows up and harasses their teacher, and an even bigger one when their teacher turns into a donkey, and a new corrido is [...]

October 29, 2009

The Ridiculous side of life

The Ridiculous Side of Shop Till You Drop

Nancy Pofahl

The holiday [...]

October 26, 2009

Speaker From The Black Lagoon

Speaker From The Black Lagoon
By
Ron Marr
www.troutwrapper.com
http://troutwrapper.blogspot.com/

Is it just me, or is Nancy Pelosi starting to look more and more like Marty Feldman? Every time I hear that grating
voice it seems as if she has ventured further into the world of cartoon and satire, as if someone hooked Smurfette up
to a thorazine drip. Those leviathan eyes [...]

October 26, 2009

Government List of Things that Could Kill You

Government List of Things that Could Kill You

By Alan Caruba

With the presidential announcement that H1N1, the “swine” flu, is now officially a national emergency, plus reports out of the CDC that not enough vaccine is available, I thought it might be helpful to provide a list of things that the government says could kill you.

Right [...]

October 24, 2009

Oxygen and Old Age

Oxygen and Old Age
 
by John Armor 
 
I hate defeat. No concessions. No quitting. No giving up before the goal is reached. Last week I made one of the greater concessions of my life. It was a concession to oxygen and old age.
 
All of us maintain a certain fiction, as long and as far as we can. [...]

October 18, 2009

The Ridiculous Side Of Life

The Ridiculous Side Of A Pet Owning You
Nancy Pofahl

I have a cat. Or should I say, my cat has me. I am a slave to her turn-on-a-dime mood swings and iron will and insatiable but picky appetite. She is the family cat, but I am her mother. I have [...]

October 13, 2009

Praise be to the Law! I don’t have to think for myself…

I was incensed to read recently about a 6-year-old Cub Scout who was suspended from school after bringing a camping utensil to the lunchroom. Zachary Christie was only sentenced to reform school for 45 days. Frankly, I would have thought federal penitentiary would have been more fitting.

October 3, 2009

A Look Back: One Year of Independence

This month marks a rather large milestone in my life — it’s the official one-year anniversary of my real-world independence. This time last year, I moved into my apartment in Jersey City. Sure, I stayed in the dorms at Seton Hall University, but I always went home for the summer. This was different, though. This [...]

September 30, 2009

The Brandon Marcus Guide to Moving

Next week starts a new, exciting chapter in my life as I move from sunny Los Angeles, California all the way up to not-as-sunny Portland, Oregon.  The move has been in the works for a long time and it’s both exciting and nerve-wracking watching the date rapidly approach.  By now, I have most everything squared [...]

September 30, 2009

Q & A with Satan

Hi folks, Satan here.  You know, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Nicodemus, old Nick, Mephistopheles.  Just thought I’d pass along a few questions that have occurred to me over the thousand or so years since you guys thought me up.  I’m very curious as to your answers, so I wanted to kind of pass them out, if you [...]

September 26, 2009

A Quick Way to Call a Meeting to Order

A Noisy Neighborhood Meeting

“I see it’s time for our Neighborhood Association meeting again,” said grandmother as she walked through the door carrying the day’s mail. “They’ve scheduled it for this coming Wednesday afternoon, at two.”

“Mmmm,” grandfather said, his nose in the afternoon newspaper; “What’s the main topic this time?”

“The usual: cleanup, [...]

September 23, 2009

Writing ART: The ugly truth, lesson 1

Lesson 1:  wordsmiths and writers

Of course, it’s none of my business, but in my mind, there are two very different types of scribbling words on a page; wordsmithing and writing.    It’s just more names, or possibly titles, and humans often cross over from one to the other, leaping back and forth at will. Or, [...]

September 21, 2009

Grandfather and the Raven

Introduction

Earlier this year, I published the following two stories in a book published by Abbott ePublishing, of Manchester, N.H.. The book’s title is “Grandfather Stories.” Recently I wrote a new book, Grandfather and the Raven, a collection of 21 stories that includes the following two stories from the first collection. [...]

September 16, 2009

The greatest writer

Everyone has someone in mind for this noble title, or perhaps they have too many, and can’t choose.  Well, let me put forward a name to you, and possibly expand your mind a little as to the worth and possibilities of writing.  I bet you know him.  After all, publishing over 60 books, selling 220 [...]

September 14, 2009

So what do you think Jesus looked like?

Friday is Payday!

Kickin shirt! Walmart?

This is one of my favorite “god” questions, mostly due to the reaction I got the first time I asked it.  I was talking to a co-worker about his beliefs, mostly because they worried me.  He stated that without the threat of “god’s wrath” he would be a [...]

September 11, 2009

HUMOR IN THE WORK PLACE

Some lessons learned from NBC’s “The [...]

September 3, 2009

It pays to be mean

Is it a problem that negative journalism is read, viewed, discussed more than positive reporting?  Well, more viewers means more money and as a race, it would seem that we are more attracted to the negative than the positive.

Just  a few nights in front of the TV around any election will demonstrate to the viewer [...]

September 2, 2009

Background Action

          

             I recently spent two very long days on the set of a new sci-fi movie to be released sometime next year. I have not been on a movie set in nearly twenty-five years, when I was cast as the “Mexican” in a western [...]

August 28, 2009

Glenn Beck has Lost his Mind. Seriously this Time.

Meet Glenn.

Glenn’s a 45-year-old American living in New York City.  Glenn looks like a happy, healthy man but, unlike you and me, Glenn’s living in a nightmare.  He wakes up every morning to a world he no longer realizes.  His media have come liberal and biased, his freedoms are being taken away.  [...]

August 25, 2009

KEEPING MEN GUESSING

And we usually guess [...]

July 13, 2009

I Googled Myself

There are many ways to measure a man’s worth.  You can examine the amount of money he gives to charity or the time he spends helping his community.  You can look at his family, see how he has affected those closest to him.  You can look at the amount he recycles, the way he cares [...]

June 12, 2009

What a long strange trip it’s been.

       I stand here, arms well muscled after countless days in the gym. I assume the position, as it has come to be known, in the small circle that is event security. Feet apart, shoulders squared, arms folded at the chest with a menacing scowl on [...]

June 10, 2009

Ending the dysfunctional relationship

Just stay off the scale, leave it alone, shut the emotional door behind, and walk into the distance? What a concept. Skip all the fussing and frustrations associated with the ups and downs of my daily weight and lead a normal healthy life? Could that be possible? Can I do [...]

May 9, 2009

Irish Musings-Last Call

People sometimes ask what the impetus was for writing Last Call. Me being Irish should cover most of my explanation about a book where eighty percent of the action takes place in a bar. The gift of gab certainly helped. A fondness for a pint and being a lifetime observer of people didn’t hurt either.

Actually, [...]

May 7, 2009

Always Planning — Never Accomplishing

I know what you’re thinking, “There’s a lot of activity but no action.” See! Readin’ you like a book, aren’t I? I saw that [...]

May 4, 2009

An Interview Conducted In An Imaginary Space

Interviewer: I’d like to begin this interview by confessing that after reading The Case, I found myself feeling more and more frustrated by the sex act. I’m wondering if this is a complaint you’ve heard from other readers?

Mel Nicolai: This is the first time I’ve heard that specific complaint. To tell the truth, most [...]

April 26, 2009

Really Cool Interview

I had the coolest interview by Juanita Watson with Reader Views. She is really good. It was like talking to an old friend or something. If only they were all like that. I remember this one time with this dude from the FBI….boy could he take lessons from Juanita. To listen to my really cool [...]

April 24, 2009

Unfortunate episode at the clothing store

I want to shriek, “Don’t you dare tell me what size I am! I am a professional dieter. I can list the calories, fat, fiber, and sugar content of every food ever invented. Go ahead, test me!” Feeling mall security would not take kindly to a raving maniac in bulging britches, I opt to keep closed my pie [...]

April 24, 2009

The Blessing of Being Bowlegged

A friend who runs complained recently about chafing. It occurred to me that I never chafe–never have and probably never will. Why? My mama done told me many years ago. “Be thankful you’re bowlegged,” she said, “because when you aren’t, your legs rub together and you chafe.” A blessing to be bowlegged! Who would [...]

April 18, 2009

Old Fart

            I can never leave the house again. I cannot subject myself to the embarrassment of my affliction nor can I bring myself to force others to suffer along with me. No one should have to choose between pity and disgust for my sake. I should not expose myself to [...]

April 15, 2009

The Perfect Weight Loss Invention!

Why not manufacture a scale for uninspired dieters who merely want to feel good, but don’t want to actually change? [...]

April 4, 2009

How I came to the gift of poetry

Poetry is a way of seeing clearly and deeply into the life of the self, the soul and the world in which we live. Poetry gets at the heart of something and reveals it. Poetry involves clarity of vision; it means of expression is the music and rhythm of language, where words are the notes and flow is movement and [...]

March 28, 2009

Back from Key West

and raring to go.

My wife, the dogs and I rented an over-priced, shitty home with a great pool and beautiful landscaping for two weeks and escaped Bike Week and most of Spring Break. We didn’t escape Duval Street though and made lots of new bartender friends. There is some new stuff there now so I’ll [...]

March 28, 2009

Light, Laughter and Love

A prerequisite for dating me during my late twenties was the ability to carry and load large rocks. When I prayed for my future husband to come along and sweep me off my feet I always added, “And Lord please, let him be strong”.

Live, Laugh, [...]

March 26, 2009

The Case: Chapter 20

That was a lot easier than I’d expected, which, by itself, gave me pause. Was there a message being conveyed? Did I lack the sophistication, the sensitivity, to interpret it? Had the conditions of my being deteriorated to the point where I now existed within a qualitative opacity that obscured the obvious? And if that [...]

March 26, 2009

Subway Story- Urban Legend

 

The first thing you learn when you come to the Big Apple is watch your belongings and don’t put anything down that you want. It might walk away. Long before I moved to New York I was told one story that [...]

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