August 24, 2010

It’s difficult to remain positive

Research has actually proven that humans are “hard-wired” to assume things will go cattywumpus rather than not. Given the opportunity to attribute a random event to either good new or bad, we will usually assume the road has more potholes than flat patches. [...]

August 24, 2010

The Gaslight Journal is Done

Begun back sometime in 2001, this book was originally a fluke of an idea… [...]

August 21, 2010

Guns Don’t Kill People…My Uncle Does

Announcing my two newest releases:

Book Cover

Description:  Bill can’t find a writing space to save his wilting life. While in Canada, Sam learns to “go convert” himself; back in the States, mum and dad are playing hide the Azalea, Delores can’t keep her father’s arse covered to get any work done, a pack of wild Kens are hurtling toward the atmosphere, and dad is sitting in his car picking his ears with his keys. Often compared to Sedaris (mostly by herself), this collection will make you sick…with laughter. 

 
 
Original cover artwork by me.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

August 20, 2010

I Feel So Dirty

Today, I got greedy, and went back for more. Oh, the feeling of sneaking into my browser at 5 a.m. when no one else’s up and looking. Knowing the rest of the world is asleep and you’re sitting there, in your footie pajamas, alone and all sneaky. I had to have one more peek. [...]

August 18, 2010

I’d Like to Thank The Academy…

We’re so focused on failure, that we never prepare ourselves for what to do when it finally works. Maybe that’s the reason some self-sabotage themselves before ever becoming successful. They never prepared themselves mentally for handling the situation when they finally hit it big. And mental preparation is needed for success. Just ask those folks who are busy being successful. But they probably won’t have time to return your call. [...]

August 16, 2010

A Few Determined Eggplants and I’m Debating

My favorite season is quickly drawing to an end. I live for summer. I relish my visits to the beach, the only place to get the best nature pedicure. The sand and the surf does wonders to one’s feet, all you need is a day at the beach and a bottle of nail polish. We grill almost daily; spend weekend evenings on the deck with bottle of wine, some Bruschetta made with the tomatoes and basil we’ve grown shared with good friends and family as we sit watching lake activities. Because this summer has been so memorably hot I haven’t been able to enjoy all the things I like about the warmest of the four seasons.

When it came time to plan and plant the garden last March I thought I would refrain this year. I didn’t think I was up for all the tilling and planting necessary for a vegetable garden that was until I went to the grocery store and stared in amazement at the price of tomatoes. So, by mid spring my husband and I decided that we would plant a summer garden after all. Continue reading A Few Determined Eggplants and I’m Debating

August 15, 2010

Tales from the CriBt.

Steampunk followers of the genre's sub-culture
I had a killer audition today.

At 11:00 a.m., I called Nathan and told him I wasn’t there yet–that I would be a little late.  He assured me it would be okay.  But I felt like crap about it.

I met him at a huge warehouse that used to be a local department store, with its windows blackened.  His was the only vehicle in the parking lot, which made me a little nervous, but never-the-less, I went in anyway.

I began by filling out some paperwork, and then we talked for probably an hour.  He was happy to share his concept with me. Continue reading Tales from the CriBt.

August 14, 2010

“Little Guide to Unhip”, by K. J. Rigby

Whether or not you’ve ever wanted to be, tried to be, or been hip, cool or “in”, read K. J. Rigby’s “Little Guide to Unhip”. It’s a frolic through all the silliness that “hip”, “cool” and “in” mean in every generation. Have fun with this book. It’ll give you a lot of chuckles and some real belly laughs. Continue reading “Little Guide to Unhip”, by K. J. Rigby

August 9, 2010

How to Market your Talent if you Cross-Pollinate (some practical guidelines)

This week has been *very* busy for me. The publishing world (I promise, this ties
into acting and other arts.) has changed very quickly with wi-fi books; i.e., Nook, Kindle,
app readers for smart phones, and so now not only is an author faced with
writing on his next upcoming release, but he’s also shouldered the
responsibility for the marketing, publicity, the advertising, and it takes a
lot…of…work. My days with Lupus and Fibromyalgia, are at least
16-hours, all of it writing: my upcoming novel release in the fall, my
blog, and I’m also now contributing author at several sites.

If you create it, they will come. Continue reading How to Market your Talent if you Cross-Pollinate (some practical guidelines)

August 8, 2010

How to Work For (and live with) a Bureaucracy Without Going Mad

George Fripley’s How to Polish a Turd (subtitle: “A Civil Servant’s Manual”) kept me laughing all the way through. If you’ve ever worked for a bureaucracy, dealt with one or know someone who has done either, you know how maddening the experience can be. And how maddeningly amusing. I found myself nodding my head and coming up with my own examples throughout the book, as I’m sure you will when you read it.

The secret to dealing with and working for a bureaucracy is to learn the system and to learn how to work with it without losing your mind or your soul. The best thing is to not lose either, but that’s more difficult … and perhaps impossible. But if you want to give it a go, George Fripley’s manual is the book for you to read. And carry your much dog-eared and tattered copy with you every day on your way to and from work so you can consult it. Continue reading How to Work For (and live with) a Bureaucracy Without Going Mad

August 7, 2010

I should’ve been the one to paint the Sistine Chapel

I’d like to think it was because at that moment in time, she didn’t see little old me from the dairy farm with no money–she saw Carla René, the brilliant, undiscovered painter who should’ve been the one to paint the Sistine Chapel instead of that deadbeat, Michelangelo. [...]

August 6, 2010

Disclipline is a Bitch

Once or twice this week I was able to sneak under Discipline’s radar. I got a lot done! I rent a room in my landlady’s home, so while she’s been on vacation this week, I have been keeper-of-the-canine, and with him being a German Shepard/Husky mix, he’s required a lot of my attention. I’ve also cooked a few good meals for myself, and came up with “DJ Squeak,” her cat’s new rap name. So you see, it wasn’t all fun and games. But, discipline always finds me and drags me back. [...]

August 5, 2010

Conflict! I need more conflict!

It’s amazing how topics can just hit ya without expecting it, y’know? Like now. I was responding to another writer who replied to yesterday’s article, and in that response, I found myself soon delving deep into the topic of adding more conflict to one’s writing, when I realised, I’d probably be better off to expound upon that and put it here for public consumption. Not that it will actually give you consumption, but follow along.

How are you with conflict? My friend, mid-list author J. A. Konrath (who just got published for an interview this week in Newsweek about this whole self-pub craze), was a member of my online writing group before he was anyone with his six-figure advance from Hyperion Press for Whiskey Sour, and when he had time to contribute, he would always hammer one thing: If you’re having trouble with your piece, go back to conflict. And he was right. Conflict is inherent in everything we touch, see and do. So why do we avoid it in story-telling? Maybe because we’re afraid of it. How often do we avoid it in real life? I know in private, when I get behind the wheel of a car, suddenly I’m possessed with Turret’s Syndrome, but when I’m sober? Look out! Continue reading Conflict! I need more conflict!

August 3, 2010

A list of crap I no longer wish to hear about

I like background noise.  It allows me to separate my thoughts.  Occasionally, I find it a distraction, but most of the time it is just noise.  The presence of the sound is somehow transformative.  It sustainably enables me to marshal my thoughts and execute whatever it is I am doing, or it allows me to sleep despite any of the din outside.  The volume matters sometimes.  A loud television or stereo is interesting when you concentrate on it with interest.  However, when you are no longer interested, they become a distraction… sort of like people in life sometimes.  But, in both cases you will find that you can tolerate either, very well, if the volume has been reduced a good bit.  We have all had that conversation.  You’re really listening to someone, intent to hear what they are saying.  When they hit a few sour notes, your attitude has changed, and you start to hear “blah blah woof woof……blah blah”.  Continue reading A list of crap I no longer wish to hear about

August 3, 2010

Bone-headed sometimes pays off

After ALL of this self-aggrandising I’ve done, you’d think some of it would have paid off a little quicker. I think I broke some rules of etiquette, but here’s what I did: [...]

August 2, 2010

A new author with an imaginary day-job needs fans to mock her!

I will not puff myself up (except for the lie about implants) to make me seem better than I am. Merely looking at me will convince you of this. So I won’t lie and say I’m not a fresh, new face on the publishing scene. I am. Have you seen my skin?? The real point being, I’m just starting out on this self-publication journey, and instead of blogging ad nauseum about toxic waist (Pun intended), or deforestation, or even the recession, I’ve decided that I’d like to share my pure and raw experiences, both good and hideously disfiguring disappointments, in the blog. I mean, what good am I to keep around if you can’t truly mock me? [...]

July 21, 2010

The Poetry of Government

The modern politician seems far too caught up in the hurly-burly of the 24-hour news cycle to devote any attention to more productive pursuits. This was not always so and there is an argument that politicians may be more productive and useful if they re-engaged with their inner selves. One such example of this is the art of government poetry which, over the years, has largely been forgotten or overlooked. However, the indisputable fact is that the work of the long-lost government poets is still relevant today. [...]

June 21, 2010

Subway Story: Singing on the Train

He got on behind me and pushed his way past all the people trying to get to their destination to stand in the middle of the car and sing. He gave us no warning, no introduction, just started singing.

And rather badly. It wasn’t the worse thing I had ever heard but it was off pitch and off key. Plus the lyrics were wrong. When he finished this  torture (at least it was for me) he asked for a donation. No one lifted a hand with a coin or opened a purse to offer him anything. Instead of taking it in stride that either the passengers were broke or dissatisfied with his display he said: “Well, that just proves you don’t know real talent when you hear it. I gave you my wonderful voice and this is how you pay me. Thanks for nothing.”

When he left no one even bothered to laugh. Just another somebody trying to make it on the train. Continue reading Subway Story: Singing on the Train

June 11, 2010

ETHNIC JOKES

Have we lost our ability to laugh at ourselves? [...]

June 9, 2010

The Tao of Amigo

Advice for living from my best friend.

The world is your couch. Relax.

 Make friends and surround yourself with them.

 Scratch when you itch.

 There is no substitute for being cute.

 Be loyal and your friends and they will never desert you.

 There is no ailment that a good poop won’t help relieve.

 Don’t piddle on the path. Continue reading The Tao of Amigo

May 29, 2010

Do you Need?

Do you Need?

by Bob Grant

Do you need your own show to always be heard?

Do you need that big column for sharing your word?

Do you need that great blog to state all your views?

Do you need a big name to be part of the news?

Do you need that mag [...]

May 18, 2010

Empathy

Stephen Sangirardi     Empathy    Bard715@aol.com       By the way, what is empathy? I’ll tell you what is, and keep it locked in your cranium! You walk into a small men’s room at some public place, and noticing that the one stall door is closed, you rightly conclude that someone is squatting on the bowl, [...]

May 18, 2010

Shaped, Shifted, and Well-Picked

Shaped, Shifted, and Well-Picked

by Tyree Harris

Growing up, my mother never let my hair grow out. I’d run around, bald scalp glistening from all the hair grease, never really understanding why I just couldn’t let my hair streak down in glorified rows like Allen Iverson’s. For whatever reason, my mom fancied sitting me down in a chair, setting the clippers on the lowest blade and hacking away at my poor little baby curls until I looked like the shiniest Milk Dud in the box.

Nothing was worse than hearing that loud “TYREEEEEEEE, COME HERE!!!” with the faint buzzing of hair clippers in the background.

Thus, I resented baldness. Spending nearly all of my early life with a naked scalp grew tiresome. I wanted to let my hair grow free! I wanted to spend endless time shaping, shifting and altering my hair! Hell, I even wanted to have bad hair days where people would look at me like I was crazy. But all of that was stripped from me, at the hands of a clipper-wielding mother with a fixation on shiny craniums.

My sophomore year in high school, however, my streak of baldness ended when I grew my hair out for the first time.

“Take that, Mom,” I thought to myself. Continue reading Shaped, Shifted, and Well-Picked

May 14, 2010

When your friends can’t explain why they voted for Democrats, give them this

Pick Your Reason   10. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies’ profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn’t.

  9. I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the [...]

April 28, 2010

So, now you're a writer.........

A very fancy WRITER, writ large in the imaginations of all who surround you.  Actually, you now have a job that everyone understands, or think they do.  It’s one of those easy-to-comprehend vocations that doesn’t bring blank stares at cocktail parties.  Like plumber or carpenter, it’s a job that is familiar to just about everyone.

Of course, in the same way that plumbing or carpentry baffle most people when they try it themselves, writing is easy to talk about but much harder to do.   Even worse, whereas you might make it to Master Plumber or Master Carpenter in 20 or so years of practice, none of us will probably ever make it to Master Writer.   In fact there is no “Master Writer,” even if you join a union.  No matter how many books or stories you write, or courses and degrees you gather, Master Writer will always elude you.

I think that’s mostly because there will always, always be another level to attain.  Let me tell you a story about that.

When I was growing up, my parents belonged to a yacht club.  We didn’t actually own a boat, but my parents are from the “club” generation and joined clubs and groups with wild abandon.  I spent many summer days whiling away my time by the club pool with the rest of the delightfully spoiled children, trying to get the girls to notice me while demonstrating the power of my mighty thews.  Although a lot more like wet spaghetti than those of Hercules, I worked them impressively and sauntered about the sky-blue concrete pool apron looking colossal.  Or, at least as colossal as my 102 pounds allowed. Continue reading So, now you’re a writer………

April 12, 2010

The Sights of New York

The weather is warm so let the viewing begin. I am not speaking of fashion models strolling down runways in the latest spring get-ups. I am speaking of what happens in the Big Apple when the cold is behind us and the sun is out in full force. As soon as the weather changes New York is full of surprising and interesting sights. And those sights are people. Continue reading The Sights of New York

April 12, 2010

DRIVING CIRCLES AROUND DISNEY

There’s a rat in the traffic department. [...]

April 10, 2010

The Town the Census Forgot

The Town the Census Forgot
 
by John Armor 
 
This is more or less an open letter to Robert Groves, Director of the Census Bureau. Dear Bob.
 
Can I call you Bob? I feel I know you since you’ve been all over the TV explaining that the screw-ups that have occurred in your Bureau about operations and cost will all be resolved. Well. here’s another screw-up for you to put on your plate.
 
The Census has a rule that it will not mail Census forms to Post Office Box addresses. As a general rule, I understand and support that. There are probably more than a million people in the US who use P.O. Boxes to cheat on their spouses, run investment scams, sell useless or non-existent products on the Internet, etc. However, every rule has its exceptions.
 
We live in Highlands, North Carolina. The summertime population grows to about 25,000 every year. But the permanent residents are only about 3,000 Americans, plus about 500 Mexicans. Because we are a small town, the Post Office by its own rules does not deliver to anyone’s home, except a handful of folks who live so far out of town they qualify for RFD. We say they live 20 miles south of nowhere. RFD, in case you don’t know, stands for Rural Free Delivery. Continue reading The Town the Census Forgot

April 6, 2010

Subway Story- Midnight Kiss

Though many people feel safe falling asleep on the subway I don’t. An actress friend of mine fell asleep and woke up to find the shopping bag she thought was securely snug between her knees with all her make-up gone. And then there was the time another friend woke to a fin a stranger staring at her affectionately as he rubbed her hand. People nearby said nothing and acted like they saw nothing. That’s what usually happens on the subway. But nothing beats what I saw one night on my way home from performing. It is a lesson for visitors and citizens as well to keep their mouths closed. Literally. Continue reading Subway Story- Midnight Kiss

April 6, 2010

STROKES SUCK

Several months ago I woke up feeling odd (not strange for me). Got out of bed, took the old good morning pee, moved down the hall following the smell of coffee and then had to grab a gaudy table halfway down the hall to keep from falling.  Not normal but what the hell. I [...]

April 3, 2010

Easter Bunny – The Untold Rhyme

Easter Bunny – The Untold Rhyme

by Bob Grant

Met the Easter Bunny at the mall.

End of story?  Not at all.

The interview went well – I got the scoop,

Assuredly not one for all of the group.

He contracts the eggs, baskets, and such,

Not a single one does he actually touch.

[...]

April 2, 2010

THE FLYING STIFF

A little law enforcement humor. [...]

March 29, 2010

What’s the Deal?

“What’s the deal with boobs?” she asked me quite frankly.

“What is it about them that men like so much?

“Well…” I replied, “They’re really quite nice.

They’re smooth and soft and lovely to touch.

  Continue reading What’s the Deal?

March 12, 2010

I Suffer from Jokeaphobia

I Suffer from Jokeaphobia

by Bob Grant

I love a good joke – I enjoy laughing when people are funny.  However, when I try to tell a joke – that I have heard – I get nothing.  I either forget the punch line, am so excited to get to the punch line that I [...]

March 12, 2010

The Man on the Horse- Do We Care How He Smells?

To be honest I like the latest, hottest commercial on television because it is funny, not because the man selling the product is good looking from head to toe and has a voice that could whisper in my ear anytime. The sensuality is a plus. But it is a good commercial, it’s a funny commercial and the actor went so over the top that he created a character that has 2 millions views on YouTube.

And he’s on a horse. Continue reading The Man on the Horse- Do We Care How He Smells?

March 11, 2010

An Open Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama,

Hey, it’s Brandon again.

I recently read that you are inviting Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg to The White House to view the new HBO series The Pacific. I think that’s great. It’s very honorable that you are respecting these men who are chronicling the efforts of our uniformed men and women. I just have one favor to ask you sir: invite me.

That’s right. Me, Brandon Marcus. Let me join in on this screening. Now, I know that you and I have never met but we run in similar circles. For example, you run the largest modern civilization on Earth. And I am currently downloading Sid Meier’s Civilization IV. You are the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize and I am the three-time recipient of the Attendance Award at Alice Birney Elementary.

Also, we’re Facebook friends.

So we’d probably get along just fine. And I like that Joe Biden guy. I like the cut of his jib and the way he wears his hat. I’m sure we’d have some killer conversations before the movie. Continue reading An Open Letter to President Obama

March 10, 2010

Vacation Lists

My family and I just returned from a fantastic holiday. As soon as I got home I started looking for my countless lists of Things To Do. But that inevitably lead to Things to Avoid. So I have decided to compile lists of Things on Vacation. WAY more fun, and, I am sure, very educational. [...]

February 26, 2010

Comedy and Censorship

At what point does comedy become hate speech? How free is free speech? Do we still have lines that comedians and other entertainers can’t cross?

Comedian Guy Earle

Comedian Guy Earle

Canadian comedian Guy Earle is dealing with all these questions lately. Earle is being taken to the British Columbia Human Rights Tribunal to face charges of hateful speech. The claim stems from an altercation Earle had with a couple of hecklers back in 2007. The women (one of whom is Lorna Pardy,  the filer of the compaint) were in the front row of the club and allegedly insulted and heckled Earle as he tried to host an open mic night. After several back-and-forths between the comedian and the women, Earle unleashed what he admits was a pretty hurtful and offensive tirade.

Choice remarks from said tirade: “Come on, you’re fat and ugly — you’re not even lesbian”. Zing! He followed that up with some tasteful bits about oral sex and sex toys. Hold your applause until the end, ladies and gentlemen.

The night escalated after that, ending with Pardy tossing a drink in Earle’s face and the comedian breaking her sunglasses. So, all in all, not a good night for either party. Continue reading Heckling and Hate Speech

February 26, 2010

PALMETTO BUGS

The South’s favorite critter. [...]

February 25, 2010

The World Turned Upside Down

I don’t want to say that I live in a bizarre world but you see I reside in a town called Topsy Turvy in the country of Before. My name is Todd and I live on a small farm with my parents and my grandfather. I go to school and am proud to be at the bottom of my class. I reside in a small town with just a few neighbors way back in the country of Before. In my small town we do things a bit different than most. You see, when we plant corn, it grows underground. We have to pull it up with corn pickers when it is time to harvest. The carrots grow above ground and the watermelons are red on the outside and green on the inside. All of the people in our little town walk on their hands and when they meet on the street, they shake feet. Even our babies scoot on their backs rather than crawl on their knees. Our faucets point up and our drinking fountains down. Our school desks are on the ceilings, which of course makes seeing that much better since the lights are there.

On this wonderfully rainy morning, I stopped by the butchers on my way to school to give my mother’s shopping list to Mr. Fritz.

“Hello Todd. On your way to school I see,” greeted Mr. Fritz as he stood at the counter loading it with fresh bacon. “Is that your mother’s list for me?”

“Yes sir. Mom will be by later after she finishes making the pineapple right-side-up cake for the county bake sale.”

As I was about to leave, gabby Mrs. Gray walked in snooping for gossip. Continue reading The World Turned Upside Down

February 23, 2010

Coyotes Making a Home in New York City

I am waiting for the morning when I look out my bedroom window and see a pack of coyotes traipsing down the street like they own the place. Their paws making prints in the snow, their presence making those hanging out after a night on the town take a second look at the number of cocktails they had before they made it home. Since the coyote appeared in Harlem in January and was tranquilized and released in Pelham Park in the Bronx two more sightings have occurred. That makes five times in 10 years that the Big Apple has gotten visits from coyotes. Are they moving in? Seeing how it’s a great place to hide according to biologists and movie makers we might as well expect a few coyotes to take up residence here. Continue reading Coyotes Making a Home in New York City

February 17, 2010

Bus Story: A Stinky Situation

The man sitting next to me farted. It was loud. It was also the worse expulsion of body gases I had ever endured. He didn’t say sorry or excuse me. He just looked straight ahead as if the overwhelming odor had not invaded his olfactory senses.

I held my breath because I thought I was going to pass out if not die. Continue reading Bus Story: A Stinky Situation

February 16, 2010

Glenn Beck is Still A Fat, Angry, Crazy Person!

Things change a lot. Like the four seasons of the year, things come and go, rise and fall, sparkle and fade. We live in an uncertain world, where we lose things we hold dear without any warning. Luckily, there are some things that stay the same and will never, ever change.

Glenn Beck is one of those things. Weekday or weekend, winter or spring, night or day, Glenn Beck brings the crazy. Smoking hot and ready to serve. Beck has made paranoid, blabbering psycho talk an art. Pack it in, conservative pundits, Beck has got this. He’s putting others to shame with his take on the current administration and the world surrounding him. He never has a shortage of outrageous talking points and, luckily for us all, he never has a shortage of TV appearances to attend, guaranteeing  moment after moment of non-stop hilarity. Continue reading Glenn Beck is Still A Fat, Angry, Crazy Person!

February 11, 2010

My Big Day Off - In China

Below is something that I sent to my family and they all said they liked it.  However, they are family and what else could they say?  I have a manager/partner in China whose name is David – we have associates named Eric and Uncle Wong.  I live in Missouri and my relatives live in Wyoming.  This sets the stage for the following recap of My Big Day Off – In China:

We found ourselves on a Saturday in a city I have visited before named Hangzhou (Han-Joe) with no appointments and time on our hands before our plane departed for Shenzhen (Sin-Gin).  There is a lake in Hangzhou named West Lake.  Not a very original name for the Chinese, but using Chinese logic, I am certain – somewhere – there is a North Lake, South Lake, Southeast Lake, Southwest Lake, South South Lake – you get the picture.  The possibilities are endless.
 
David said, “Let’s take a boat ride”.  Great – sounded like a good idea.  Sitting quietly in a boat watching the countryside and relaxing – NOT.  Think Progressive Dinner.
 

bobs-day-1

We did take a boat.  Not something you would normally see in Missouri – or Wyoming for that matter.  Regardless, I followed David and Eric on the boat and settled in for a comfortable ride.  Continue reading My Big Day Off – In China

February 8, 2010

How to get your child through school successfully - a parents guide

Chapter 7 – Dealing with Schools

For most of us dealing with the teachers and administration at our child’s school can be a difficult process.  Many of us approach this important task with needless trepidation or false conceptions.

We were once students ourselves and may have built up a habit of obeying or even expecting punishment or derision from teachers and administrators.

This is a non productive attitude for parents.  Teachers are not gods, many of them are hardly even human.  Before engaging in any discourse with your child’s teacher, ask yourself these questions:

  1. Did this person find teaching as a calling in kindergarten, dedicating the rest of their lives to the education of children?  Or was this the only job they could find after graduating with a useless degree in Grecian philosophy?
  2. Is this person a master educator or a product of “if you can’t do, teach.”
  3. Does this slimy wanker think they’re in charge?  Or do they recognize that theirs is to serve in a difficult task as best they can.  Parents, always ask yourself, are they “the boss of me?Continue reading How to get your child through school successfully – a parents guide

February 3, 2010

Lohan:

EXCLUSIVE! EXCLUSIVE! Lindsay Lohan is a hoarder!

YouTube Preview Image

Lohan, interviewed by that woman from Reno 911, reveals to The Insider that she’s got a problem with hoarding — JUST LIKE THAT ONE SHOW ON THE TV!

“It’s kind of a sore subject,” the Mean Girls star says about her massive amount of shoes and clothing. “I just need to get rid of this stuff.” The music is really dramatic so you know that Lindsay’s serious.

I could care less about Lindsay Lohan. She hasn’t really been on my radar since A Prairie Home Companion. Since then, she’s devoted her time to crashing cars and drunken ramblings on Twitter. Obviously, you need more than that to draw me in. That being said, this new revelation about hoarder intrigues me, mostly because it’s complete BS. Continue reading Lohan: “I’m A Hoarder.” Me: “Um, What?”

February 1, 2010

Stuart Aken Reviews The Shadow of a Smile by Kachi A Ozumba

Kachi A. Ozumba’s story of corruption, judicial incompetence and prevailing injustice in Nigeria is lightened by the humour he mixes with the pathos. Zuba, the naive and honest victim, moves from initial complacent trust in the legal system through amazement, disbelief and despair to a realisation that he cannot expect the judicial authorities to treat his situation seriously or with fairness. The police and prison authorities are shown as corrupt but perhaps no more so than the rest of this society.

Against the background of incarceration and hierarchical prison ethics, he paints a picture of a country still at war with a major portion of its citizens. The conflict with Biafra is a constant strand running through the novel and displays the underlying tribal nature of the Dark Continent, showing, with subtle insights, why prejudice is both harmful and pointless, wherever it may manifest itself.

Kachi paints his characters as real people undergoing real events. The details of daily life, education and the prison system in Nigeria suggest he has experienced all three; if not, his research methods are extraordinary. He also raises questions about the nature and value of religious faith, perhaps hinting that it is of greater value to the desperate and ignorant than to the hopeful and educated. Continue reading Stuart Aken Reviews The Shadow of a Smile by Kachi A Ozumba

January 24, 2010

From Bottom or Top

From Bottom or Top

by Bob Grant

We are tall or short or skinny or fat,

We can drill that well or swing that bat.

We are bald or gray or brown or blond,

We can pitch that tent or fish that pond.

We are fair or dark or pale or tan,

We can [...]

January 19, 2010

Wit, satire and forgery

As you know, we have a hacker who turns up on this site from time-to-time.

As you may not know, we also have a wit-cum-satirist-cum-forger who is now regularly in the habit of changing other people’s postings to satirise them.

Whilst I am delighted that the guy has a sense of humour somewhat absent from his substantive work, and while I delight in satire labelled as satire, I do have some doubts about people changing other people’s posts here.

Example #1

Hi I am Prentiss Gray, jerk number #2. Just check out my comments and postings thoughout the site. I work hard on being the number #2 jerk of the site.

Example #2

Jerk #1 here. Continue reading Wit, satire and forgery

January 18, 2010

Return to Myanmar (Burma)

Two years ago, I visited Yangon and Mandalay, in Myanmar, to see for myself a country which our own Government was urging us not to visit. I found a marked contrast between the beautifully-tended boulevards and parks on the approach to each city – clearly showcases for visiting dignitaries – and the completely neglected downtown areas. Here were the open, rat-infested sewers around which children played, while old men in wrap-around skirts sat on their haunches, their brown wrinkled faces puckering like gnarled conkers in the strong sunshine. I saw people packed into and onto decrepit buses and smoky lorries, and street vendors with stalls illuminated by candle light, in the absence of street lighting. Despite this extreme poverty, I was taken aback by the apparent happiness of the people, who smiled constantly, and always returned my wave. Perhaps it was a ‘Dunkirk’ spirit, adversity and oppression bonding them together, or perhaps their idea of happiness was pinned on less expectation than ours.

So I decided to return to Yangon, and to see whether things have changed after two years, and whether the people are still smiling.

Just as we Brits insisted on giving the Indian cities the mispronounced and misspelt names Calcutta (now Kolkata) and Bombay (now Mumbai) so, we still insist on calling Myanmar (pronounced me-an-mar), and its capital, Yangon, by the colonial names we gave them: Burma and Rangoon. Such a pity, when the rest of the World show a little more respect and use the proper names. Even America manages to get it right which is surprising, given that their former president was wont to call the entire European mainland ‘Yurp’, populated by ‘Yurp’ people (if cartoonist Steve Bell is to be believed!). Continue reading Return to Myanmar (Burma)

January 14, 2010

Stuart Aken’s Review of Seer’s Moon by Karen Wolfe

Seer’s Moon is Karen Wolfe’s second fantasy novel centring on the unusual activities of Granny Beamish and her cronies. With its mixture of comic style and supernatural content, the book had me smiling, chuckling and laughing out loud; much to the consternation of my fellow travellers. The story, or at least the main thread, follows the fate of poor Kenneth who has inadvertently become a werewolf and is being chased by a sinister bounty hunter. Granny Beamish and her friends, family and associates, who have some sympathy with the vegetarian Kenneth and his harmless, if somewhat destructive, werewolf alter ego, do their best to prevent his capture and execution. The incompetent local police, an interfering busybody and a creepy, ambitious member of Granny’s Seer community all provide the necessary conflict. Meanwhile, Granny has to contend with the advances of her ex boyfriend, who jilted her, as he tries to win her back.

Seers, for those who are unsure, are members of a parallel community who use telepathy and certain types of magic; it isn’t wise for a normal human to mess with an accomplished Seer, especially one with the gifts possessed by Granny Beamish.

Karen Wolfe writes in a style of her own; colloquially and with a type of humour that touches my laughter muscles. This is a very English novel in many ways and some of the language and references may be lost on readers from outside. But there is so much that is universal in appeal that this association with Englishness acts as an enhancement, giving the book a quirky character that should appeal to readers of all nationalities. And, talking of ‘quirky’ this is the way her characters come across. All are individual, even the dogs, wolf, griffons and other animals, and especially the rampaging sheep. Her people have flaws as well as positive attributes and all of them are very human, sometimes touching and always hilarious, often in ways that completely escape the characters themselves. Continue reading Stuart Aken’s Review of Seer’s Moon by Karen Wolfe

January 9, 2010

A Fly on the Wall

A Fly on the Wall

by Bob Grant

Be a Fly on the Wall the old saying goes,

Is it something you want or a set up for woes?

Food on the plates and beer on the table,

Distracted before hearing what I am able?

There’s strips, and sprays, and things that kill,

Sure [...]

January 8, 2010

Are You a Minnow or Are You a Whale?

Are You a Minnow or Are You a Whale?

by Bob Grant

Are you a Minnow or are you a Whale?

Is it for real or maybe a tale?

Like open waters or only small spaces?

There all the time or just certain cases?

Like breathing room and wide open air?

Are you that cave [...]

January 7, 2010

Holy exploding underpants Batman!

A Nigerian friend of mine was in Washington and decided he wanted to party and visited a top club one night. Snake hips was shaking his stuff and hooked up with a real beauty in the club. “Hey babe I have something explosive hidden in my underpants.” He used a chat up line.

Did [...]

January 2, 2010

Bragging A Little Bit

Bragging A Little Bit

by Bob Grant

Snow can be cold as it falls on the ground,

So soft and so quiet not making a sound.

Snow can be slick to people and cars,

Or made into things like snowmen and stars.

Snow can be wet when left on your shoes,

Or slowing the [...]

December 27, 2009

THINGEES

What the heck do we call it? [...]

December 20, 2009

Santa’s Around Us Everywhere

Santa’s Around Us Everywhere

by Bob Grant

Santa on Airplanes – Santa in Cars,

Santa on Main Street – Santa in Bars.

Santa on Skateboards – Santa in Boats,

Santa on Horses – Santa in Coats.

Santa on Posters – Santa in Tights,

Santa on Windows – Santa in Lights.

Santa on Beer Mugs [...]

December 13, 2009

What if We were Paid in Prunes

What if We were Paid in Prunes

by Bob Grant

What if we were paid in Prunes?

Might create some different tunes?

For all you made you had to eat,

A change for life that would be sweet.

Greed would have its own revenge,

Those without – it would avenge.

Gas abounds but not [...]

December 12, 2009

The Answer that Solves All Problems

The Answer that Solves All Problems

by Bob Grant

The world has got problems – I can’t agree more,

There’s care for us all and then there is war.

The unanswered question I now to you pose,

Where goes a bogger that comes from ones nose?

Do you look at it first or flick it away?

Do [...]

December 11, 2009

Twas The Night Before Christmas-a silly spoof

More rapid than an eagle, his Ford truck flew [...]

December 10, 2009

Life’s Little Questions

Life’s Little Questions

by Bob Grant

Life’s little questions have been written before,

Now I take on a few at least once more.

I ask that you all keep an Open Mind,

But don’t let your Brains Fall Out so we can’t find,

The Shower you Took that made you Clean,

With the Speed [...]

December 9, 2009

Shock, Scrapper, Blisters

Shock, Scrapper, Blisters

by Bob Grant

Men will be men – boys will be boys,

They play with their games – they play with their toys.

They beat on their chests – they roar in the air,

They drink with their friends – they brag on their pair.

They talk of their sports – [...]

December 9, 2009

It's Just One Weird Dream

It’s Just One Weird Dream

by Bob Grant

As I gaze upon the square,

See animals in their underwear.

Some are old – some are new,

Some are white – some are blue.

Some are male – some are not,

Some are drab – some are hot.

Some are jumping – some are sitting,

Some [...]

December 7, 2009

I’m Taking Up Golf!

I’m Taking Up Golf!


By Alan Caruba

I have a confession to make. I have never engaged in any sports activity demanding any energy. About as close to a sporting activity I ever got was shooting pool or as fancy folk call it, billiards. The English version is called Snooker. In my time I did a lot of leaning over the edge of the pool table to line up a shot, but it never tired me in the way.

I have another confession to make. I have never watched an entire baseball or basketball game in my life. Baseball is too slow for my attention span and basketball is too fast.

In my youth I attended the University of Miami football games, but that was mostly to prove my manly bona fides with dates who I suspect knew more about the game than I. Once a year I watch the Super Bowl, but mostly for the cheerleaders and commercials.

Poker is not a sport. It is a card game played by professionals and amateurs alike, often for mindlessly huge amounts of money in tournaments. I like poker because the professionals can get knocked out with a bluff or better hand. Continue reading I’m Taking Up Golf!

December 6, 2009

Bad Habits of Others

Bad Habits of Others

by Bob Grant

 

Bad habits of others get under your skin,

The list is quite long so let me begin.

Grinding the teeth or picking the nose,

Chewing that gum or painting ones toes.

Tapping that pencil or sucking of gums,

Breaking that wind or licking of thumbs.

Belching [...]

December 5, 2009

I’m a dog that won’t bark

I’m a dog that won’t bark

by Bob Grant

 

I’m a dog that won’t bark – a cow that won’t moo.

I’m a pig that won’t oink – a cat that won’t mew.

I’m a frog that won’t croak – a bird that won’t tweet.

I’m a hare that won’t jump – a [...]

December 2, 2009

Unique Christmas Decorations

My daughter forwarded this to me – I thought it was worth sharing.   My wife wants to try this – using me as the dummy:

Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations this year.

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.  [...]

November 26, 2009

The Hacker's Hex

For all of you Hackers – who give us such trouble,

We send you a Hex in form of a Bubble.

It travels through planes – it travels through trains,

It travels through brains – it travels through drains,

Puts gas in your guts – a rash on your butts,

Puts snot in your [...]

November 14, 2009

THE RIDICULOUS SIDE OF LIFE

 

The Wide and Wacky World of Sports

Nancy Pofahl

nancy-pofahl2I like sports. My whole family does, save my daughter.  She’s the odd one.

When I was young, I loved to play tennis, volleyball, basketball or anything that involved guys crashing into girls. Especially the good looking guys that weren’t related to me. The exception of course was tennis- that involved me crashing into the net and faceplanting on the concrete.

I was fairly athletic and had a wicked hook shot in basketball that’s made me a legend with my son and all my nephews. I am only 5’4”, according to what I tell people. I could make my shot over people that were several heads taller, and from any distance and at any angle within twenty five feet of the net. I had extremely strong arms for a girl, probably from fighting with my sisters over clothes. Plus, I was too short to defend, especially against someone who wasn’t aware of my famous ability.  In the business we call that ‘hustling’.

I liked competition, and my sisters, brothers and myself used to compete for any number of things- dish duty, garbage duty, or just plain for the hell of it. Being the youngest of eight kids, I had to be athletic and fast, or else I’d probably not be alive today. Particularly when I did stupid things like play with my sisters’ makeup, or breaking my brothers’ model train set. Continue reading THE RIDICULOUS SIDE OF LIFE

November 13, 2009

Happy FU Day!

“Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?” [...]

November 6, 2009

Review of “…. at last!”, edited by Tim Roux.

“At last!” Isn’t that what everyone says when they have their first sexual experience? “At last!” “it” happened. I recall as a young teenager praying (never out loud): “Please, God, don’t let me die until I’ve had sex!” And by that, I didn’t (and most people don’t) mean masturbation. That goes on without saying [...]

November 5, 2009

My daughter – the one with the great sense of humor

My daughter is a school teacher – she sent me her answers to the questions below.  She is the one with the great sense of humor. 

Please Do Not Spoil The Fun! Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In
Your Answers. Then Send This To A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know…And
Send It Back To Me So I Can See Your Answers !!
              1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?   Elektra, Crimefighter Extraordinaire – but I just go by “Jill”.

 

              2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?  Yesterday, when I heard stirrup pants are making a comeback.

 

              3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?  Only when endorsing large checks.
              4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?  That’s what she said…
              5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?  Two:  a husband and a daughter.
             6.. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?  Hmmm….
              7. ARE YOU SARCASTIC?   Never!
              8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?    In a jar on my desk. Continue reading My daughter – the one with the great sense of humor

November 4, 2009

The Eagle and the Donkey: A Story of the Christmas Season

A group of students take their teacher, Eric Lindahl, out on the town in Mexico City’s Plaza Garibaldi during the Christmas season. They are in for some big surprises when a local tough shows up and harasses their teacher, and an even bigger one when their teacher turns into a donkey, and a new corrido is born. [...]

October 29, 2009

The Ridiculous side of life

Nancy Pofahl

The Ridiculous Side of Shop Till You Drop

Nancy Pofahl

The holiday gift giving season will be soon upon us. Hurrah! I love it!

Decorating trees with lights that don’t work. Wrapping gifts with gift wrap that tears immediately after being taped to the gift. But most of all, I love the SHOPPING!

Ok, maybe ‘love’ is too strong a word. How about ‘grudgingly accept’?

My preferred way of shopping is through the internet. Being disabled, this allows me to shop without tripping people with my cane or running them over with my mobility scooter. Did I mention I can’t see very well?  Many an angry mob have chased me through shopping malls throwing hangers, shoes and sales clerks at me. That’s another column altogether.

Shopping with my daughter, Erika is an experience unto itself. She will try on every piece of clothing in any given store, all in the hopes of finding that magical garment that looks just right.  I have to stop her when she starts grabbing baby rompers.

 My daughter is a beautiful woman. I’m biased, of course, but she would look good in the sales bag. She has the body for clothes. Tall and proportionate with curves. I have the body for sleeping bags with the bottom cut out. Hey, don’t laugh! I hear this year’s winter assortment is quite nice. Continue reading The Ridiculous side of life

October 26, 2009

Speaker From The Black Lagoon

Speaker From The Black Lagoon
By
Ron Marr
www.troutwrapper.com
http://troutwrapper.blogspot.com/

Is it just me, or is Nancy Pelosi starting to look more and more like Marty Feldman? Every time I hear that grating
voice it seems as if she has ventured further into the world of cartoon and satire, as if someone hooked Smurfette up
to a thorazine drip. Those leviathan eyes grow in size with each passing hour, bugging out two feet in front of her
body, like somebody dropped a toaster in the water while Nancy’s thyroid was taking a bath.

I could handle the appearance of this most odious of politicians with tact and grace, if such were the only thing wrong
with her. We all have our physical imperfections, and far be it from me to judge another upon their looks, or lack
thereof. Lord knows, coming from the Ozarks I know plenty of people whose family trees don’t fork. I hardly bat an
eye at webbed fingers, antennae, a few missing teeth, a few extra chromosomes, or hooks. On more than one
occasion I’ve even had people suggest that, in reality, I might be my own grandpa. That’s just part of life.

No sir, I’m not bothered by the fact that Pelosi resembles a bit player from the uncut version of Young Frankenstein.
What rattles my cage is her propensity to lie with aplomb and vigor, to attempt to foist the addled values and socialist
mores of San Francrisco on an American public that wants nothing of the sort. You would think that the woman’s
proboscis would be growing instead of her eyes, what with the way she side-steps, obfuscates, fibs, falsifies, and
consistently avoids the truth as if it was a Mormon missionary on a sugar high. Moreover, she tells her whoppers with
a condescending arrogance reminiscent of the first-chair head-lopper at the Spanish Inquisition. Continue reading Speaker From The Black Lagoon

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