The Embarrassed Republican: Three in the head and you know we’re dead

So where do you like to keep the little woman?

As we wind our painful way down to the final selection of which embarrassing nincompoop we will offer as a candidate, we discover it’s not too late to drive a few more nails in the election coffin.

One

It yet another ground breaking revelation our final two front running competitors expressed their fundamental befuddlement with “Public lands.”  The lands referred to are the parks and preserves that the US Goverment has put aside for use by the public.  Displaying his conservationist vacuum grandly, Mitt Romney explained to the Editorial board of the Reno-Gazette:

“I don’t know why the government owns so much of this land.”

Needless to say old Mitt had more choice words to put forth on mining coal and drilling for oil on those lands, but it was lost in the strangled gasps and shrieks of the thousands of businesses who depend on those wilderness areas for their livelihood.  Not to mention the crackling of newly lit environmentally friendly torches and the loud bubbling of sustainable natural boiling oil being prepared by hundreds of conservation groups and hunting clubs.

Not to be out done, God’s BFF Rick Santorum at least got the “M” word out before the stunning silence of Idahoan’s disbelief flooded the air waves.  On Idaho’s Public lands Rick said:

“We need to get it back into the hands of the states and even to the private sector. And we can make money doing it, we can make money doing it by selling it!”

Great plan Rick, here’s a quotation from the old Testament, “And Moses said unto him …. Dude, put brain in gear before putting mouth in motion…”  Public lands contribute more than a billion dollars to Idaho’s economy each year, not to mention over 11,000 jobs.

Two

Of course a hefty second nail was handily pumped in by Rick when he declared the current president a “Snob” for wanting every American to have a chance at a college education. Apparently, while getting his bachelors and masters degrees he discovered that going to college means being indoctrinated by liberal college professors and gradually being remade into an image of the President.  Wow, I think Rick needs a another treatment,  there’s a little dumbass a-peekin’ through.

Especially since Rick has now “doubled down” against governmental assistance in any form of education, and declared that the true customers of public education are the parents.  Apparently, that may not include the money for education as is shown by his wheedling thousands of dollars out of the local Pennsylvania school district so he could home school his own 7 children.  Rick likes to do his indoctrination, homestyle.

Three

Still, of all the self-destructive impulses so called “conservatives”  have given in to these past two months, I believe alienating half of the voters was the big event.  Lead in a charge by radio freak show host Rush Limbaugh, the forces of this brand of Conservatism are out trimming the obviously whorish ways of millions of American women.  In a kind of strange peep show of  female smack-downs one bold stroke after another has been dealt out by those “who wear the pants around here.”

The kick off was our pal Rick declaring that women were “too emotional for combat,”  and then waxing scientific’al on the link between abortions and cancer.  No one is quite sure who gets the cancer.

After an investigation by an all male congressional birth control squad, Rush whirls into a three day tirade on paying for a young women’s sex, ending with a demand to see the videos.  Mitt Romney in an amazing “Mee too” slide into third base declares that dumping funding for Planned parenthood could balance the budget.  The Texas legislature declares that all abortions come with a free “Look-see” of fetus brought to us by 10 inches of a hard steel “Shaming rod.”  With bold manly strokes, Arizona’s conservative legislators craft a law to allow employers to monitor their female employees use of contraceptives, and fire them if they are for non-medical reasons.  And these guys are afraid of Sharia law?

But, needless to say conservatives are mystified at women’s reactions to all this.  “What war on women?”  and “What do you mean I should have to pay the full load on Viagra?” and “Just wait a darn toot’n minute here! Back in the kitchen!”  See they are just being honest, no offense intended.  They’re just telling us how they really feel.  That’s a good thing, right?

Yes it is dear, now lie down nice and straight while we get this lid nailed on.

Copyright Prentiss Gray 2011

Prentiss Gray is a writer and columnist and currently writes the Domesti-Tech Blog for Gannett.  He can be reached through his website at www.prentissgray.com  

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Prentiss Gray

Prentiss Gray is a writer/columnist/blogger from New Jersey. After 27 years as a Information Systems consultant and the death of his wife of 21 years, he returned to his roots as a writer, creating the national column Adventures of the Lone Dad/ Daddy chronicles. He now Blogs for Gannet on domestic technology, and writes feature pieces and stories for general publication. He is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors and contributes to Bloomberg News, Daily Record, Gannett and the Tribune Syndicate.

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