first cast upgrade, laser and super bright Led, the silver dots are the firing buttons (don't freak, the red is just mounting tape)
On Friday morning one of my fingers fought it out with a 4 inch circular saw. They are a supremely useful and versatile tool, but now I find myself thinking about the world of prostheses, replacement appendages that is. For the accident I blame the “safety guards” that are placed on most power tools. The ones that often do more harm than good. For the cries of “To the Lumbaah yaard!” and “Futstapes, futstapes, futstapes” and other references to Inspector Kemp in “Young Frankenstein” I blame my family’s quirky sense of humor. They had all better remember “A ryat isht’an uglee sink!”
During my researches I have noticed one terrible common denominator among most protheses, an almost cancerous tendency to migrate even the most clever and elegant solutions to pale and weird imitations of the lost limb. The ubiquitous use of “flesh-Tone” as the color for artificial limbs has to be blamed on either a lack of thinking things through, or a horrible deficit of style-sense.
I often wonder if I’m just one of billions of humans who are not fooled for a moment by the mostly horrendous attempts to disguise artificial limbs. Has no one pointed out that “flesh-tone” not only does not look like human skin it actually screams out “Don”t look at me!” Which of course makes everyone with even a spider monkey-sized brain immediately lock with laser guidance on the phony appendage. Instead of blending in, it causes the creepiness factor to shoot to stratospheric heights. What is up with that, hasn’t anyone complained? I simply cannot believe that any person who requires a prostheses of some type thinks “Oh, this looks just like my old one. Nice!” Unless, they require replacement eyes as well.
The X-finger, very cool. Need an upgrade?
Flesh-tone, from the crayon in the Crayola box to the finest artificial limb has never matched any creature’s skin color, not even the ones in the murkiest depths of the ocean. It’s even more amazing that with all the choices we have today, and after probably 10,000 years of artificial limbs , we use this abominable color. It’s not working guys, get out of the rut and start thinking metallic blue, or candy apple green with a heavy metalflake, or what about a sophisticated jet black with a hint of pearl? If you lost it, flaunt it!
The same can be said of artificial eyes, I’m sorry to say. I have a good friend with an artificial eye, which, with even the best efforts of skilled surgeons and technologists, simply does not track the way the good one does. Nor does it change like a real eye. It’s very disconcerting, I can never tell where she’s looking. This usually causes me to bob and weave trying to stay in her attention zone, all the while trying to guess which eye is real. I pretty much always concentrate on the wrong eye, and assume I’m boring the pants off her. Either that or I am guessing right, and it really is time to shut up. I never tell her this, I’m a coward, and probably in the same way that purveyors of these ocular implants are. I very much doubt they sold her’s by saying “Here’s our Super 301 Mark 7, the “Disconcerter.”
Although, maybe I’m just a “Patch” guy. Hey, Pirates are dead sexy and never go out of style. If you have to replace something that personal, you ought to take the opportunity to make a statement. Go with the American Eagle eye like “The Butcher” in Gangs of New York. Or maybe something a little more Borg-like. Who wouldn’t want to stare down an irate customer, manager or angry landlord with a laser beam shooting out of their eye? If I end up with a significant portion of one of my fingers to replace, you can bet I’m going “Custom.” Pimp my finger, baby!
Case in point. In my investigation subsequent to the great saw conflict, I found what I thought was a really nice finger replacement. High gloss metallic blue, individual articulated elements, and amazing self-powered multi-directional functionality. The kind of technical wizardry that would make anyone wonder if they didn’t have one or two original fingers that couldn’t use an upgrade. Especially if a nice “Flame job” was an option. It’s awesome, but it did seem a little small, as if someone had gotten the size wrong by 2 or so. With more study the truth dawned. This marvelously functional, stylish miracle was only meant to simulate the skeletal part of the finger, it was built to be covered by a kind of “finger shaped” rubber sock. And the color of the cover? You guessed it, “Realistic Flesh-tone” with simulated pores and wrinkles straight from the horror movie “The Wax Museum.” Great, instead of getting a fearsomely cool “Terminator – finger of doom,” you end up with “dildo pinky.”
Now we're talking!
My wife has already warned me that she’s coming with me on the next visit to the hand surgeon, just to make sure I’m not tempted to make “extra room” for options. No problem, she can have it any way she likes. Besides I already have several designs on the drawing board that are minimalistic, let’s see how that saw does against carbide encrusted titanium!
When you really think about it, the possibilities are fascinating. Fingers are little miracles, but they don’t have magnetic locking ends ends do they? Even Snap-On has more stylish connectors than the prostheses I’m seeing, and they’re a damn site more standardized as well. I’m a big fan of half inch socket connectors, I like the torque capacity and durability, but a 3/8th might be better size-wise. From there, there are thousands of potential attachments. I’ve already built-in a superbright led and a red laser into the cast I have, not to mention a bluetooth headset holster. An actual finger, could call for a master work of miniaturization and versatility.
It was my index finger that drifted it too close to the carbide teeth of the saw. Bone smashed, nail shredded and flesh parted to sound of a dull thump. It was immediately followed by the sound of my son’s tools crashing to the floor and a startled cry of “Dad!!!!” I hated scaring him. Meh, it happens to the best of us dude, stay cool. Hey, I made to 56 before loosing a piece of myself to my own creativity, that’s pretty good. My actual first thought was, “Crap, this is going to be expensive,” then “Hmmm. It’s such a nice day I wonder if we should stay and get some more work in before we pack up…. Dude, where’s the duct tape?” After all, I’d nailed myself right at the start, just after a long drive and unpacking all the gear. My son wasn’t having any of that. He’s a lot bigger and taller than I am so, I was unable get the tape away from him. He did let me drive home though.
Ok, I like the style, but the color...What do you have in basic black?
On the long drive back I started to think about what an index finger actually does. As the “pointer” it has basic functions and secondary duties. It’s my left hand, so no big disaster, however, opening jars will need a new strategy or possibly some high friction rubber or plastic. I use the left hand mostly to steady things so my right can do what it needs to. Typing is the thing I thought about most, that will be disturbed by a difference in length and so requires some kind of fill-in module. That’s pretty simple, so the question becomes now that it can’t do everything it used to, what other things should I plan for? A flashlight-finger comes to mind, not all that spectacular, but certainly useful. USB drive? Laser pointer? Electromagnetic field sensor? Probably not a lot of room for batteries,though. I’m definitely warming to the challenge. The trick will be the connection to what’s left, I’ll pick up some Poly-grip and see how that works to secure a base with some of those cobalt samarium magnets embedded in it. Why be limited to only one add-on? One finger for work, another for play, something for evening wear, maybe with an unobtrusive light for those restaurant menus….Hmmmm.
I really do want to make the right kind of statement though. Something useful and yet elegant, in ebony or jet acrylic and gold. Nothing too showy of course, something appropriate for working on the boat, or an afternoon typing and yet at home at the dinner table or a cocktail party. Rugged, but stylish is what I’m thinking as I draw. It wont be very big, so a subtle statement is best. The big question right now is quick change or rechargeable batteries? Hmmm….always best to go Green I think.
Copyright Prentiss Gray 2011
Prentiss Gray is a writer and columnist and currently writes the Domesti-Tech Blog for Gannett. He can be reached through his website at www.prentissgray.com
Prentiss Gray
Prentiss Gray is a writer/columnist/blogger from New Jersey. After 27 years as a Information Systems consultant and the death of his wife of 21 years, he returned to his roots as a writer, creating the national column Adventures of the Lone Dad/ Daddy chronicles. He now Blogs for Gannet on domestic technology, and writes feature pieces and stories for general publication. He is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors and contributes to Bloomberg News, Daily Record, Gannett and the Tribune Syndicate.
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Prentis, that sounds horrible, I have cut the tips off 2 of my fingers now and the tips are usually a bit numb for a few years. One of them seems to have gotten all the feeling back. For typing maybe you could fashion a short extension with a very lightly loaded spring built into the tip about the tension of a keyboard key that would polk the stub as you hit the key. I am sure after a while you won’t need it. Well sounds like you are handling it like a trooper. Hang in there.
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I about cut off my little finger with a hand router that flew out of my hand – the doctor was able to stitch most of it back on but the mobility is limited. I know how quickly these accidents can happen – I hope you recover soon.
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Seriously, no big deal except feeling a little stupid. As soon as my hand cones out of the cast I’m taking the guard off that saw. Without the guard my hands would have been where they were supposed to be, instead of trying to keep the guard out of the way.
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Prentiss, it sounds like you’re considering a finger for all occasions except – if you want “nothing too showy” – you’re probably not thinking outside the box when it comes to GIVING someone the finger (not that you’d ever do such a thing, in the flesh or otherwise). Anyway, even if you have to pay through the nose for a new finger, remember that old saw – it could’ve been a lot worse.
Best wishes for a speedy & pleasing outcome!
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After reading this, I am compelled and in awe that you are so positive. I can assure you, not nearly as positive as I. I learned something about you today…and myself I guess. “Resistance is futile, prepare to be assimilated”!
You could have many style and designs. If you wanted to become an assassin, there is always the gun finger, with the silencer for that added stealth mode. When making a cake, snap on the finger blender. The laser pointer is genuine for gags as well as the obvious. There is always the vibrator attachment….I digress. Last week I bent my finger in as I waved my other hand over it to try and fool my 3 year old of the mystery of the “missing” finger then magically appearing. But your kids are too old for that, so wait for the grandchildren for that one.
Prentiss,..Please…please get a gold attachment. I can finally in life have a nemesis who I can call “Gold Finger”.
I wish you well and I thank you for sharing your life experience.
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Frankly, I’m in search of ideas for finger styling. Nothing seems to “Jump out” and say “Pick me, Pick me!” As for functionality, it’s limited by available volume, but there are loads of possibilities. A light, definitely, but what else? I have a chip here that was going into another project, it’s a world band radio that is a little more than an 1/8 of an inch on a side, I have a manufactures sample of a sound recorder that’s even smaller. Ever look at the size of the entire camera on a cell phone? Video finger! Definitely going to need more than one.
Mad the Dad, eh? Who would have known? Don’t forget the “coin from the ear” trick.
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I mentioned it earlier Prentiss…a few weeks ago in a rant about “When that door opens”.
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Sorry to hear about your finger. I like your ideas though. I mean why limit our fingers to those things that the first tweny centuries limited them to? USB port, photo chips maybe as we age even a memory chip? I like the blue one but maybe chrome like the great old cars. I have a prothesis in my hip. At first it kind of shook me up the idea that some integral piece of me is metal. But then it works just fine walking on it. Of course this has made me think of all the movies, Dr. No, Capt. Hook, Star Wars, the one armed man and the all time greatest Casablanca. “Seems destiny has taken a hand.” Well in this case perhaps, just a piece of a finger and something hopefully that will heal or be replaced by something more dexterous.
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Oh Prentiss sorry to learn this. Other than in the kitchen and maybe in the garden and when doing some sewing I steer clear of anything power, sharp and with the ability to cut and even in the places I do use a power, sharp or menacing tool I’m “vewry verwy” careful! Now my husband well he’s invincible (or so he thinks).
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You make a good (and funny) point about these prosthesis. They can make a dildo look more realistic than an arm. That’s funny! But sorry to hear your situation. Those guards are like a dull knife. A dull knife will cause more unintentional cuts than a sharp knife ever will!
Maybe you could go for a lockpick set in your finger, along with the light and the camera…talk about multi-tasking! And do it in gold!
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