Poor John Boehner, his chances for historic accords are fading into the sunset. For a while it looked like history making time, but now its just “chest beating time.”
Meanwhile Mitch McConnell’s secret plan has emerged! Too bad it’s the same secret plan we always use lately, “Blame the President.” His plan to pass legislation to allow the President to increase the debt limit on his own, there by taking all the responsibility and the blame, will give our glorious party three opportunities to vote against the President while assuring the passage of both the blame and the increase in the debt limit.
It’s just too bad that everyone has figured out that’s what’s going on. Making it kind of like covering your own eyes and announcing that no one can see you now.
Mitch: “Wow, It’s dark in here.”
It’s all part of our master strategy of changing our image from the “Party of No” to the “Party of Doh!” Which is our destiny since we’ve embraced the great unsung power voting blocks, Looneys, Bible thumpers and those conservatives whose right wing philosophies put them between Louis the 14th and Mexican drug lords.
It’s not easy building a platform where everything from Government projects to Credit Card reform is a “Job killer.” Even unemployment insurance is a job killer, even though there are 4 people showing up for every new job.
To keep up our master strategy of “Forward, into the past: Return of the old days,” we have to keep brushing up on our sleight of hand. A wave of the wrist and no one can see that 40 million registered tax payers don’t actually make the $17,000 per year to qualify for the lowest tax bracket. Now that’s an answer to Tax reform!
Another deft flourish of the hankie and presto! It no longer matters that there are 25 million more registered Democrats than Republicans. The independents love us, mostly because we use the word “independence”, and we use it a lot!
Meanwhile we need to provide cover for our key legislation like Representative Lamar Smith’s gambit to disallow the President’s ability to direct the Immigration and Naturalization Service to be more thoughtful in just who they deport. Not every President of course, just this one, the legislation is timed to run out after his potential second term. Everyone knows that there are almost 12 million illegals in the US and they all have to go, today. Bring forth the yellow Busses!
And now ladies and gentlemen, we take on the Bureau of Consumer Protection, a terrible cancer deep within the bowels of the Dodd-Frank act. With some deft manipulations the Bureau of Consumer Protection becomes, Taa Daa! The US department of Thinkology, who noble duty is to collect all consumer’s financial complaints and think really, really hard about them.
For our last and most amazing feat we defund the Patient Affordable Care act, which is one of the few things that actually got done in the last two years. Hey Presto! The glass of affordable medicine goes from half full to half empty, and all right before our very eyes! Any Democratic progress vanishes like asparagus farts in a windstorm.
This isn’t magic, it’s the power of “Everyone Knows….” That mysterious power that energizes and directs our awesome party. But it’s not easy to support that kind of knowledgeable platform. As it turns out there is quite a line of things that “everyone knows.” So many in fact, it’s going to be quite a packing job to get even half of them in. Here are just a few of the main tenants of our Democrat-smashing platform.
Global Warming is a fraud! It’s the radiation from scheming climate science that is melting the poles at twice the predicted rate.
Trickle down economics is just about to work. Raising taxes on corporations and affluent americans will stop the coming rain of riches from falling on the middle class. When you see the golden shower, be sure to open your mouth.
The United States is a Christian nation. It’s not spelled out in the constitution because that’s what Freedom of religion means.
Everyone who considers repealing tax cuts or (gasp) raising taxes is a socialist. They actually want to be a communists, but haven’t figured out how to get their food stamps to pay for a brown shirt.
Regulation is bad for America. Clean air, water, and all this talk of fair dealing in finance are Job killers. (In fact, just about everything not on our multistage platform is a job killer.)
Tort reform is necessary to protect hard working honest corporations from the depredations of crazy juries. A million dollars for a coffee burn? So what if she couldn’t walk for two years, where the hell was she going anyway?
Good medical coverage makes America’s citizens sicker. Give a citizen comprehensive medical coverage and they’ll be going to the doctor every year!
Unemployment insurance is a job killer, Americans should be ashamed to collect it. Never mind that they’ve paid in to the system their collecting from, what’s next? We all want our social security?
You see? There’s just so many things everyone knows. It’s amazing we have room in our heads for all this knowledge. But there’s a place for every scrap of true American knowledge right here on the platform of the Party of Doh!