Congratulations to my party. At last we’ve succeeded in achieving a position that is so out of touch with current public opinion, that we’ve managed to make Newt Gingrich seem reasonable. Yet another brilliant moment in our kamikaze attack on political reality.
We pretty much have defeat covered for 2012. A line up of mad magazine’s most wanted politicians for President, and a clear crucifixion of the one barely qualified potential candidate, Governor Mitt Romney. We won’t have to worry about him any more the Democrats have recognized his potential and are already running ad campaigns against him. But we still win because they’re wasting their money, we got him first.
We have those damn Democrats completely confused and dazed with our “We’re all nuts!” strategy. Yet another brilliant stroke was having noted scientist and climate skeptic Dr. Richard Muller announce to Congress and the public that he agreed that the planet was warming, and could prove it. As we used to say in the golden days of “Leave it to Beaver,” swift, really swift. Nice vetting boys.
I’m sure that we will all be glad to hear that current estimates of Christians that will actually qualify for “the Rapture” numbers in the area of four, so previous worries of loosing a substantial amount of voters have been allayed. Considering the potential impact of pre-Rapture parties, conservative projections have that figure reduced to 2 by Saturday morning.
It is also important to note that the party has already initiated actions and media coverage to implicate several parties in the “failure to Rapture” including the “Take God off the dollar bill” crowd, single payer healthcare advocates and, of course, the IPCC. These are expected to provide an entire summer’s worth of fodder for the upcoming congressional hearings on the matter.
I’d like to recognize the notable contribution from all our members and leaders who, on the occasion of Osama Bin Ladin’s death at the hands of a Democratic president, took the opportunity to remind the voting public that it was our party that initiated enhanced interrogation. We can’t let them forget that we’re the party of torture, and there’s no way the Democrats can prove it wasn’t fun.
All in all the party is right on track to achieve our “2012 trainwreck strategy.” With continued efforts we should be able to achieve a significant slowdown of the recovery through spending and services cutbacks until a Republican President can take credit.
Thank you all and keep the faith!
Copyright Prentiss Gray 2011
Prentiss Gray is a writer and columnist and currently writes the Domesti-Tech Blog for Gannett. He can be reached through his website at www.prentissgray.com
Prentiss Gray
Prentiss Gray is a writer/columnist/blogger from New Jersey. After 27 years as a Information Systems consultant and the death of his wife of 21 years, he returned to his roots as a writer, creating the national column Adventures of the Lone Dad/ Daddy chronicles. He now Blogs for Gannet on domestic technology, and writes feature pieces and stories for general publication. He is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors and contributes to Bloomberg News, Daily Record, Gannett and the Tribune Syndicate.
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Prentiss, please don’t extol by comparison, even grudgingly, “the one barely qualified potential candidate, Governor Mitt Romney”, because as Senator Roman Hruska, R-Neb, reminded the Senate in 1970, even mediocre people deserve representation too. Of course, the “odds” are that none of us will be around after Saturday for any of this to matter anyway, but just in case ….
Raises the interesting question of whether just being a Democrat disqualifies a soul for the Rapture. Will St. Peter be checking voter registration cards?
As far as I know not being part of the 12 tribes disqualifies a person, as well as wearing wool or linen, lying, eating pork (really love those bacon and mayonnaise sandwiches), divorced people need not apply, neither should anyone who married their brother’s wife before she had children, it gets even more complex after that….. in short keep all your documentation close at hand, in triplicate.
I should have added to my previous comment that Senator Hruska used the term “mediocre judges and people and lawyers” – not just “mediocre people,” which is insensitive (if not worse) because it’s a judgment on who certain people are rather than how well or poorly certain people do what they do. Mediocre judges and lawyers (and politicians) – absolutely. Mediocre people – a very mediocre choice of words.
Nice one Prentiss but how do we know who is or isn’t a member of the 12? Guess it won’t matter if you wear wool or linen, lie, are or were divorced or eat pork.
As it turns out “God” just made a backup copy. Handy thing to have in case of diaster.