Congratulations to my party. At last we’ve succeeded in achieving a position that is so out of touch with current public opinion, that we’ve managed to make Newt Gingrich seem reasonable. Yet another brilliant moment in our kamikaze attack on political reality.
We pretty much have defeat covered for 2012. A line up of mad magazine’s most wanted politicians for President, and a clear crucifixion of the one barely qualified potential candidate, Governor Mitt Romney. We won’t have to worry about him any more the Democrats have recognized his potential and are already running ad campaigns against him. But we still win because they’re wasting their money, we got him first.
We have those damn Democrats completely confused and dazed with our “We’re all nuts!” strategy. Yet another brilliant stroke was having noted scientist and climate skeptic Dr. Richard Muller announce to Congress and the public that he agreed that the planet was warming, and could prove it. As we used to say in the golden days of “Leave it to Beaver,” swift, really swift. Nice vetting boys.
I’m sure that we will all be glad to hear that current estimates of Christians that will actually qualify for “the Rapture” numbers in the area of four, so previous worries of loosing a substantial amount of voters have been allayed. Considering the potential impact of pre-Rapture parties, conservative projections have that figure reduced to 2 by Saturday morning.
It is also important to note that the party has already initiated actions and media coverage to implicate several parties in the “failure to Rapture” including the “Take God off the dollar bill” crowd, single payer healthcare advocates and, of course, the IPCC. These are expected to provide an entire summer’s worth of fodder for the upcoming congressional hearings on the matter.
I’d like to recognize the notable contribution from all our members and leaders who, on the occasion of Osama Bin Ladin’s death at the hands of a Democratic president, took the opportunity to remind the voting public that it was our party that initiated enhanced interrogation. We can’t let them forget that we’re the party of torture, and there’s no way the Democrats can prove it wasn’t fun.
All in all the party is right on track to achieve our “2012 trainwreck strategy.” With continued efforts we should be able to achieve a significant slowdown of the recovery through spending and services cutbacks until a Republican President can take credit.
Thank you all and keep the faith!
Copyright Prentiss Gray 2011