It’s something we do around here a lot, argue that is. Which is not surprising for a site called Speak Without Interruption. In our often clouded attempts to convey information, opinion or viewpoint we encounter opposing views, or even different interpretations of what we just tried to convey. How we react to that opposition or interpretation says a lot about us, possibly more than the ideas we originally shared.
Mostly we converse and explore varying views with great respect and sometimes even an open mind. But many of us expect more, we want to win the argument, convince our detractors or misinterpreters that our frame of view is the most logical, beneficial or sensible. In other words, we want to be “right.”
Not surprising, it’s a very human thing to want to be right. To have developed opinions or understandings that are correct is crucial to our own self-vision and confidence. After all who wants to discover everything they “know” is wrong, or even a part of what they “know with great confidence,” is wrong. Believe me, as a Republican, I know all about that.
This is just one of the barriers to changing someone else’s opinion, about anything. Their own fear of being wrong. A second and possibly even higher barrier to convincing someone else of the “error of their ways,” is attitude.
There are two parts to attitude or, perhaps in this case, two sides; the convincer and the convincee(?) (Forgive me creating my own vocabulary, it’s a very old and bad habit. I’m getting better though, I used to make up my own punctuation as well.)
If the two opposing attitudes don’t “match,” as in pressing (the convincer) and open-minded (the convincee), then often that’s all it takes to defeat even the most well supported argument. Being “in the right” matters very little if you’re not effective. Instead of being crowned “the master convincer”, you’ve suddenly become the clumsy clot who couldn’t convince fish they live in water. Of course the most probable mis-match of attitudes is the all too common “everyone’s the convincer.” These arguments usually result is ever increasing displays of fervency and heart felt emotions, which not only are a waste of time but also very difficult to clean off the floor and curtains later.
The convincer has to approach the problem of changing the convincee’s mind delicately. First, because of the fears the convincee may harbor and second, the receptivity of the convincee to “approach style.” Just about everyone knows that the approach is crucial. Too loud, brusk, demanding or forceful and the convincee is shut down and not even listening anymore. An approach too soft, gentle and appeasing may threaten the perceived strength of conviction projected by the would-be convincer and the convincee’s own position is strengthened, at least in their own mind (tiny as it may be).
Sometimes we cannot see enough of the convincee’s own perceptions to make the correct determinations. Perhaps the principal in play is something handed down by their granny and simply is not up for questioning. Maybe we are dealing with a self-perceived “winner” and loosing is just not in the cards. Often it’s the convincee’s own perception of the convincer, based on something else they’ve said in the past, that disqualifies them as being “right” anytime, at all, ever.
The barrier could even be an imagined attribute. Perhaps the person you’re arguing with believes that thousands of miles away, somewhere on the Internet, you have a beard. They hate beards. Beards are the very bell-wether of untrustworthiness. I myself believe that many politicians have hidden “secret” beards that only come out at night.
So many barriers to cross when changing the mind of another. For me I think the most dangerous stage of any argument is the “winning part.” So many of us so want to hear the bugles of victory, we sometimes ignore the damage done. Often changing the mind of another is not pleasant process. It can hurt. Consider the implications in the realization of something truly terrible, like finding out ice cream really is made from the slimy gel on seaweed. Perhaps it’s not a “go outback and shoot yourself” moment, but it could be the end of all happy Rocky Road moments for the person you just convinced.
“Num, num, num, you’re right. I can really taste the kelp slime…”
Being “right” comes with consequences. It’s not all victory parades and flower petals. Remember, if someone finds it serious enough to argue about, it means they care. Explaining away the ramifications of the change of mind by saying to yourself “well now they’re better off” is akin to throwing a baby in the swimming pool and expecting it to learn to swim.
“Petey! Petey! You can’t hear me telling you how to swim if you stay under water the whole time!”
Any loss of confidence, general changes in world-view, or continuing bouts of depression due to the short (but nicely worded) piece above, particularly as it concerns Ice Cream and it’s consumption, should be duly documented and forwarded to frozen confection makers everywhere, some of whom first informed me of the terrible truth.
Copyright Prentiss Gray 2011
Prentiss Gray is a writer and columnist and currently writes the Domesti-Tech Blog for Gannett. He can be reached through his website at www.prentissgray.com
Prentiss Gray
Prentiss Gray is a writer/columnist/blogger from New Jersey. After 27 years as a Information Systems consultant and the death of his wife of 21 years, he returned to his roots as a writer, creating the national column Adventures of the Lone Dad/ Daddy chronicles. He now Blogs for Gannet on domestic technology, and writes feature pieces and stories for general publication. He is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors and contributes to Bloomberg News, Daily Record, Gannett and the Tribune Syndicate.
Follow Me:
As is your usual standard, the post is well written. Being “right” lies in the eyes and ears of the writer and reader. Both are separate transactions and if the two meet or facilitate a epiphany of some kind, then that is good…..for them. Posted opinions often get me to reassess my position, and from time to time to change it. For people who enjoy writing it would seem analogous they would write about things they care about. That suggests there may be sharp differences of opinion, and if the truth be known, one or even both parties may be wrong. That is also the beauty and genius of this site.
SWI is a spot where readers frequent for any number of motives, and around one methodology, the written word. Reading something and taking offense is acceptable, but I think it is rarely profitable. Taking offense suggests the reader has a problem not the writer – the site is SWI, not speak with political correctness SWPC). The reader reads at his or her risk and if they have hot buttons that send them over the edge, perhaps they should avoid the subject or author.
The originating author of any new post is a ground breaker of sorts, and to be commended in my opinion. More comments than not are to criticize, not to praise, and that too is a good thing. It seems to me if one is getting a lot of arrows stuck in the posterior, it is a good sign. You have to be ahead of the pack to get shot in the rear.
Report this comment
Bravo, Prentiss! Who needs TED as long as we’re around (note to innocent bystanders: that’s a private joke, not especially good, but one I couldn’t resist)!
Report this comment
Some find the word argument as descriptive of a bad thing. I see it as good. To me, and argument is a passionate debate about things which people care about. Sometimes, you don’t yield if the argument against your point of view is an ad hominem attack. At other times, people can agree to disagree, and yet at other times, there is compromise, or even a fundamental change of ones viewpoint. As such, argument is good most of the time. It is demonstrative of an active mind. And at SWI, we have many. I have a tendency to enjoy dissenting viewpoints. Thinking people can change their minds when presented with additional information. Thanks for all of the fun.
Good piece by the way… and I like this site better than Ted
Report this comment
Part of becomming an adult is learning how to be right as well as learning how to be wrong. On many many occassions I found myself almost wanting to be wrong about something just because I felt being right may be more damaging to a relationship. I have found being wrong can often work to my advantage and allow for easier compromise where a series of issues are being debated one at a time. I have several issues not up for debate, have no interest at all in opposing views. I have other issues I very much want to hear more views on. The crack you made about republicans and being right detracted from this post in my view and added to a defensive posture your republican readers may have. I find liberals much more stuck on being right than republicans unless you are talking the fundamentalists. President Obama was elected by a good share of open minded republicans. A liberal professor at the college near my house asked who I voted for and then threw hot coffee in my face when I told her.
We have a small group of very intelligent capable debaters here with opposing views that makes this sight a great place to visit each day. I enjoy the passion on both sides of the fence even if the curtains get a bit stained in the exchanges. I most enjoy when topics come up and I see debaters change sides and align themselves with an opponet from another topic, this demonstrates some openess. Being right may not be all that it is craqcked up to be, unless you are really right!
Report this comment
If we all agreed allthe time, we’d all be obselete.
I really enjoyed your writing, Prentiss. I have posed the question of “burden of communication” to many friends. Is the burden upon the agent of communication, or the receiver?
Are debates designed to reach an agreeable common ground, or to widen the gap of mutual understanding?
Murti said that every argument, if turned in mind and carefully observed will implode upon itself. A truth is an agreement between 2 or more people. I have no argument to offer otherwise. Effectually, I have no concrete ideals. I’m just a tourist on this planet. I’ll leave the fighting to the ones who really care.
Thanks for the article.
Report this comment
Nick, I like your attitude! We’re all just tourists on this planet, but maybe some tourists who tell the rest of us where to go need to be told where to go themselves on occasion …. just for the hell of it, if for no better reason. Anyway, I grant that the fighting gets really tiresome over time, but conceding the fight to idealogues by virtue of battle fatigue may be just what they have in mind. You think?
Report this comment
I must say that I have been challenged many times on that very issue. However, as my health insurers, health providers, Qwest telephone and internet providers as well as a few other entities I am now forced to deal with would most likely agree, I am a royal pain in the butt. I subscribe to the notion that “I catch more flies with…”
-and do; yet I am seriously vigilant and hold all of them to contractual obligations with simple persistance. I document every name, date and promise. I print all email confirmations and study my contracts intensely so I am well-prepared for the rampant trickery and obvious intention to wear my energy down with information overload and evasive maneuvering. I am especially wary of vaguery. I have not accomplished every task I take on, but I found that being alert and informed most often helps me achieve my goals. I only want what I am promised. Abrasiveness can work on occasion, but keeping calm and affecting a genuine sincerity is most effective. You are very correct in the end, large corporations can overpower and tire the vast majority of their victims. I have somehow emerged virtually debt-free and relatively comfortable after a 10 year cancer situation which cost over 3.5 million dollars in total. Believe me, it is not easy. It is possible as long as we hold our temper while holding the others to their terms, in their own words. The sad part is that many/most people are overwhelmed and exhausted in the effort. As a result of my personal success, I now act as a patient advocate, and try to help others who face similar ordeals. My main advice is “Just do it.” Once we know what the obstacle course looks like, we have only our willingness to jump, turn, volley and spin to contend with. Nothing is impossible. Victory is always available as long as we don’t fight. (?!)
Report this comment
Sorry about the republican crack steve, I knew it was over the top. It only illustrates my own fervor and lack of control.
I’m glad you all enjoyed the piece though, particularly I liked “burden of communication” (which belongs to the transmitter according to my communications professors) and being at least associated with TED. In my dreams.
Although, with a little more work, we might give them a run for their money, especially if they’re all in the bathroom when we start the race.
Report this comment
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still can’t really believe the ranters and ravers have not found this sight yet. Saturday morning I wake up grab some coffee and for the most part get to read intelligent gentleman argueing. I hope when they do show up and they will we have some line of defense for banning them without crossing our own line of SWI. Even on my hobby sights, archery, catapults, physics forums etc. the particapants become so passionate about their points we have to delete entire threads and often ban people. Their seems to be an element of mutual respect here that allow this sight to work.
Report this comment
Steve, I have a small correction to offer, & I hope you’ll believe me when I say the last thing I want is to do is have you think I’m taking a holier-than-thou attitude (Lord knows I make way too many mistakes to be anything but laid back). I think the word you want is site(s), not sight(s). The only reason I mention it is that you used it 3 times, so it’s probably written in concrete in your brain (which beats being brain dead, which afflicts me at times). By the way, I like your comments.
Report this comment
No offense taken, I conciously knew this but only after you reminded me! After not having written for many many years I find myself at a loss for a good many very common words. Spell check has excasberated the problem by correcting me without me even knowing it.
Report this comment
Just goes to show that there is a market for gentlemanly discussion instead of raving lunacy and mean-spirited name calling.
Report this comment