A Quick Way to Call a Meeting to Order

A Noisy Neighborhood Meeting

“I see it’s time for our Neighborhood Association meeting again,” said grandmother as she walked through the door carrying the day’s mail. “They’ve scheduled it for this coming Wednesday afternoon, at two.”

“Mmmm,” grandfather said, his nose in the afternoon newspaper; “What’s the main topic this time?”

“The usual: cleanup, dues, upcoming festivals.”

“I see.”

“And choosing a new Association President. Takayuki Inaba isn’t going to run again.”

“Oh? I’m not surprised. He has a devil of a time getting people to pay attention to him. I would have resigned years ago.”

“You’re impatient, dear,” she said, continuing to scan the Association’s newsletter.

“Well,” he said, looking over the tops of his glasses at his wife, “who wouldn’t be in his position? Nobody pays him the least attention when he tries to start the meeting. They just keep talking…”

“Because they’re catching up on…”

“Gossip,” grandfather replied, finishing the sentence.

“Oh, pshaw! They’re catching up with people they haven’t seen in months.”

“As I said,” nose again buried in the newspaper, “catching up with all the local gossip. And making it impossible to conduct Association business. Poor Taka. No wonder he’s gone bald; he pulls his hair out every time we have one of these meetings.”

“Well!”

“We ought to schedule a few meetings just to give people a chance to talk,” grandfather went on; “then we’d get something done at our regular meetings.”

“You know no one would attend them,” grandmother responded. “What he ought to do, is make enough noise to call the meeting to order.”

As grandfather nodded his head, a smile spread over his face.

“What are you smiling about?” grandmother asked, folding the newsletter and putting it on the dining table.

“I believe I know how to catch their attention,” he said, positively beaming.

“What is it?” Grandmother cast him a suspicious look; “What are you thinking?”

“Oh, nothing,” he said, chortling out loud; “You’ll find out when we get to the meeting.”

“You’re not going to do anything embarrassing, are you?”

“Wait and see,” he said, returning to his newspaper.

☼

On Wednesday afternoon, they walked into the Association building at one forty-five and found the meeting room nearly full of people, all talking at once. Up in front, the Association President, Takayuki Inaba paced nervously back and forth, checking his watch and clearing his throat. At exactly one fifty, he stepped up onto the podium, picked up the microphone, tapping it to see if it was working and announced: “The meeting will begin in exactly ten minutes.” When no one paid him the slightest attention, he put the microphone back on the lectern, cleared his throat and looked around the room, his eyes settling on grandfather, who motioned him over.

“I don’t know what to do, Heita,” he said in a despairing voice; “I shout, I bang my gavel…nothing works.”

“Mmmm,” grandfather replied, nodding his head. “I know how frustrating it is…”

“Maddening,” Inaba replied.

“Maddening, then. Make an announcement in another three minutes, only louder this time.”

“It won’t do a bit of good, Heita.”

“I know it won’t, but do it anyway. Then at two o’clock on the nose, call the meeting to order, and I will get their attention.”

“How do you plan to do that?” Inaba asked skeptically; “They never hear a thing, no matter how loud it is.”

“Oh, they will this time,” grandfather replied, giving him a broad grin; “They definitely will this time.”

Checking his watch, Takayuki Inaba rushed back to the podium, picked up the microphone and said in his loudest voice: “The meeting will come to order in five minutes!” And everyone went on talking as if they hadn’t heard a thing. When he called the meeting to order five minutes later, the people continued their visiting, leaving him standing there holding the microphone and looking at grandfather, who nodded his head and smiled.

☼

Tapping grandmother on the shoulder, grandfather said: “I’m going to call the meeting to order now, so cover your ears.”

“Isn’t that what Mr. Inaba is supposed to do?”

“He’s tried, three times, but no one pays any attention.”

“Oh, well,” shrugging, “that happens all the time.”

“Not this time,” he said; “now, please cover your ears.”

Giving him a look that said “Just what have you got up your sleeve?” she covered her ears with her hands.

And grandfather opened his mouth, looked at Takayuki Inaba, and emitted the loud, raucous, deafening caw of a giant raven:

“KAAA!”

The room was stunned into sudden, deafening silence. It was as if someone had flipped a switch and turned off the sound. Thinking they had lost both their hearing and the power of speech, people looked at each other with their mouths open, dumbstruck. Several people began fiddling with their hearing aids.

Then the moderator lifted the microphone to his lips, said: “The meeting is now called to order,” and everyone sat down. For the first time in recent memory, the meeting was conducted with neither hitch nor interruption. When Mr. Inaba declared the meeting adjourned, everyone got up and after brief “good-bye’s” and “see you next month’s”, walked out onto the street and went home.

“Thank you, Heita,” Takayuki Inaba said, bowing; “Without you, I wouldn’t have accomplished a thing.” He chuckled. “That was some noise! I’m glad you warned me ahead of time.”

Grandmother looked up at her husband with a twinkle in her eyes. “I’m glad you warned me to cover my ears. Was it you that scared that grocery-thieving crow away from the Co-op last week? Mrs. Ito said she heard a really loud Kaaa! while she was shopping, and when she came out, there you were with Sir Raven.”

“I have to admit it, Ai-chan,” he said with a laugh. “That bird tried staring me down, so I opened my mouth and out came the Kaaa! Scared that thief out of his wits! Sir Raven found it so funny I thought he’d die laughing. I hope he’s stayed away.”

“Oh,” said Mr. Inaba, “there hasn’t been a crow around there since. I only hope your performance this afternoon has equally lasting results.”

“I hope so too,” said grandmother, “because I don’t want to have to cover my ears again.”

(This story is from my new book “Grandfather and the Raven”, a collection of 21 stories about Grandfather Ueda and his pal Sir Raven. The book, published on September 29, 2009, is available from Abbott ePublishing, Manchester, New Hampshire, at www.abbottepub.com.