Question: Is Marriage Dead?

Tim Kellis, author of "Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage"

I’m half way through my two month blog tour on relationships.  The stops have generally been both interactive and productive.  I’ve particularly like the stops where the topics were questions related to relationships.

I wanted to share one in particular, at the Long Relationships blog.  I had stops on 3 consecutive days.  The first day the questions was is marriage dead.  I also want to add the dialogue that ensued.  Here is the link to that blog post.

Question: Is Marriage Dead?

When you sit back and ponder for a moment “what is the biggest problem we as a society are dealing with today”, how would you respond? Is it global warming? Or maybe feeding the hungry? Or possibly our current economic situation?

While these issues get a lot of headlines I would actually have to say our biggest problem is the current culture of marriage. After all, we constantly hear that 50% of those who declare in front of family, friends and God “for better or worse” end up ending what began with such hope and promise.

What a sad fact that half of those relationships that begin with the belief that theirs will last a lifetime go through what can probably be described as one of the most heart wrenching experience any adult has to deal with. What makes this fact so incredibly confusing is this issue is also at the top of the list in the headlines.

How much airtime or print is devoted to the marriage issue? We even have a celebrity, Dr. Phil, who has made a fortune off of the problem of marriage. When one ponders this fact, one is only left scratching his or her head over the question of why? One has to wonder how we got into such a mess.

After all, our culture of divorce is only two generations old. Prior to that, the notion of marriage for a lifetime meant something. Couples took their wedding vows seriously. The family was the foundation that the rest of society was built on.

What changes have occurred in the last two generations that have caused such destruction in what is probably the most significant part of each of our lives?

This issue has to leave the reader with an even more significant question.

Is marriage dead?

JM Says:
April 6th, 2009 at 2:28 am

To be honest, I wouldn’t put the state of marriage above certain things. Why? Because the way people have raised the current young generation (not that the older ones are completely innocent – the children and young adults today were raised by someone…) is a big part of the problems we have today, including the state of marriage.

I don’t think marriage is dead, but I do think it’s not treated as seriously as it used to be by a lot of people. However, it is not dead as long as people like me and my husband and friends we know and love take our marriage very seriously – whether sworn before ‘God’, a god, gods or just sworn in front of family and/or friends.

Jenera Says:
April 6th, 2009 at 9:02 am

Me and the hubby talk about this often. I don’t think marriage is dead but it’s on its way. There is this mentality that we can do what we want, when we want, and how we want. Society is not teaching to work things through. It’s acceptable to bail when times get tough.

Cheryl Malandrinos Says:
April 6th, 2009 at 9:08 am

The problem with modern society is that we don’t have a real reason to focus on things other than ourselves. I had a discussion with an actor who used to be on a show set in the late 1800’s that spoke of this very thing.

People used to spend so much of their day just making a living-running a farm or some other business that took so much time that no one had time to think of themselves.

As technology has advanced and we’ve come away from being an agriculutural society, we have more time on our hands, more time to focus on what we want. And we’ve been conditioned to think of ourselves first, instead of the more Christian approach of thinking of others.

It’s sad, because marriage between two committed people is a wonderful thing. And while it’s hard to compromise and stick with it during times of difficulty, it’s also very rewarding.

Cheryl

Boomer Chick Says:
April 6th, 2009 at 9:22 am

Okay, here’s my viewpoint. Marriage isn’t dead per say, but more and more people these days are realizing that it doesn’t take marriage to make yourself whole. If two people fall in love and want to cement that relationship by taking marriage vows, it’s beautiful, but what I am seeing is that the rise of divorce statistics is making people really go into it with the full understanding this is what they want and a lot of people are having trouble with that. Take my daughter for example. Thirty years old. She has watched her father and I in some awful fights and both my daughter and son (he’s 25) aren’t even committed to anyone. Both look at the opposite sex as “friends.” I’m hoping I haven’t damaged them in some way and I think a lot of the younger generation growing up are feeling the same way. Another point to be made is this. If two people want to cement their relationship by taking marriage vows, they must be secure enough to be able to take care of themselves should something happen. But this in itself might make some marriages fail as silly as that sounds. If both people go into a marriage and both are secure in their finances, self-worth, confidence, independence, it could work. If one leans on the other too much, eventually something is going to become unraveled.

And one more thing, remember, everyone has soul mates and when you enter into a marriage with one of them, it’s called companion soul mates if you want the technical term and companion soul mates come into each others’ lives for specific reasons as all soul mates do, but the specific reasons might not be what you think they are. If two people get married and they are not in it for the intended reasons, that’s when things lead from bad to good. Look into the relationship for what it is intended and do not try to make it more than what it is.

I’ve had talks with Tim and he’s on the right track. I’ve got it and it’s wonderful. And again, step back and realize why the two of you were brought together – was it for childbearing? What is for companionship? Okay, accept it for what it is and stop trying to make it into something it will never be. I know people will disagree with me on this but once people stop trying to make the other into someone they aren’t and stop posing demands, you’ll see this is the best thing you can do for your marriage.

christine husom Says:
April 6th, 2009 at 10:22 am

Tim,

This is a very important topic, since the family is the basic unit of society. Strong, healthy families support strong, healthy societies.

Marriage is not dead, but various sub-cultures seem to keep picking away at it, lessening the value of it. Movies, books and television can give an unrealistic view of what marriage is. It is not all romance, sweetness and light. It is a commitment between two imperfect individuals. I think of marriage as a daily commitment. Every day you make the decision honor your promises and stay in your marriage.

There are troubles, to be sure, but there are any number of resources for those who need them. Reminding couples they are a team, on the same side, supporting one another even when their opinions differ.

Certainly, there are legitimate reasons for divorce, but I think no-fault divorce has made walking away too easy when the going gets tough. it’s important to keep this basic unit a force to be reckoned with!

Tim Kellis Says:
April 6th, 2009 at 10:53 am

Hello all

I want to first thank JM for allowing me to visit your blog. I hope we have a nice interactive discussion over the next 3 days.

I particularly like today’s topic on whether marriage is dead or not. Cheryl, I really appreciate your historical reference. I have written a book entitled “Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage”, and I basically use historical examples as analogies within our own relationships.

In fact, we have reversed the way we approach relationships. We used to meet in Church, then bring our potential mate home to meet our family, and then get intimate with them. I will never ask my parents this question, but I will go to my last breath believing my mom was a virgin when she married my dad.

Now we get intimate first, then introduce our potential mate to our family and friends, and then maybe introduce into our relationships a higher, much more significant platform than our financial and sexual existences, if we are lucky.

We have only had our culture of divorce over the last 2 generations. What I have basically discovered is that what we have done psychologically is develop as a culture where we can finally become individuals, but many have not yet figured out what to do with their individuality. Does that make them more important or less important than the rest of society? Unfortunately individuality has nothing to do with our standing within society, but has everything to do with our standing within ourselves. Happiness cannot be bought.

JM, I do want to offer to anyone who visits your blog the opportunity to figure out how to develop a relationship that can withstand the fluctuations on life.

As it turns out, I have spent my entire adult life trying to figure out relationships. The research that went into writing my book included over 100 books, probably one of the most researched books every written.

And the research included nearly 2 dozen relationship books. My joke is all of the books read were non-fiction, with the lone exception the relationship books.

We have developed as a society where we look to marriage therapists to help us out when our relationships get out of control. But the reality is these professionals have not really given us a message that really solves our marriage problem. Unfortunately, we are not from different planets, regardless of the success of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

Let me begin explaining the depth and breadth of my message with the following book review:

http://www.bookreviewers.org/equality.htm

If anyone would like to finally figure out their marriage issues and how to solve them please pick up a copy of “Equality” (I even have the book at 20% off in conjunction with my blog tour):

https://www.HappyRelationships.com/buy.aspx

It’s about time someone does something about our deteriorating culture of marriage.

Sincerely
Tim

J. A. Hunsinger Says:
April 6th, 2009 at 11:23 am

Tim,
In answer to your question, a resounding, “NO!” marriage is not dead. I was married to my first wife for four days shy of 41-Years. I know, it is a lifetime, but somebody had to leave, so I did. However, the hole from the demise of that marriage will remain in my heart for the the rest of my life. After six years one of my three daughters still will not speak to me. I am now married to a fabulous woman who happens to be my best friend, advocate, confidant, and she is a hoot to be around. We have a large circle of friends and life is as it should be, engaging and way fun.
So marriage is not dead, my friend, far from it. The excellent relationship enjoyed between this man and his woman is the essence of life.
Thanks,
Jerry

Barbara Says:
April 6th, 2009 at 10:22 pm

I’m talking from the experience of being married for over 43 years to the same man. When we began our relationship it was a deep and satisfying love affair with both physical contentment and mental satisfaction. As our marriage grew and we had children after over 12 years after we were married it changed. I don’t think that my husband has ever really accepted that his life was changed when we had children. He still thinks mainly about himself for daily activities, but he has been a great provider and cares about his kids. I think he is unable to accept that his children are not carbon copies of himself.

Besides that he has become ill with a heart attack and bypass surgery which has changed him considerably. His health is now his main concern as it should be, but he has become a selfish and self-absorbed person because of this. He does care about us, but he always wants things his way. He doesn’t seem to understand that even though he is better now and back to a more or less normal life that things won’t be the same as they were when he really needed us.

Thinking about everything that people go through together in marriage I could have left him quite a few times. Yet I stayed, because of the love that I feel for him. This was tested when I thought he might be lost to us. Many times I think about leaving, because I don’t feel like myself or that he has respect for me as a person, but I don’t leave. He is a very good man and I think that if he realized how much he hurts us he might change his actions. Whatever the reason to me marriage is a commitment that should not be broken unless an impossible situation occurs. But today’s generation doesn’t believe this way and it’s easy for them to switch partners when it doesn’t work out right away. They don’t have the patience to wait it out or try to alleviate the problems. They go for the easy way out.:)

This is the reason why people are getting divorces so readily. They expect instant gratification and maybe some are marrying for the wrong reasons. Having been married this long I don’t think I could have stayed unless I felt that there was love between us.

Jenera Says:
April 7th, 2009 at 10:55 pm

I agree with what Tim says about getting intimate first. I met my husband online and shortly after he went to prison. Our friendship grew into a relationship through letter writing. We connected on a level deeper than physicality. Almost a throwback to the good ‘ol days.

I hope to be able to teach my boys that-that every relationship (marriage or just dating) is important on more than just a physical level. There needs to be a deep soul connection I think.

by Tim Kellis

http://HappyRelationships.com/

http://HappyMarriages.com/