For a moment you can’t breathe. You don’t remember the words, the lines, the moves. Your palms are sweaty- don’t touch your face or you will mess up the makeup. And the crackers you ate earlier in lieu of dinner are bubbling in a pool of acid that wasn’t there before the stage manager announced “Five minutes to curtain”. But you close your eyes and pray to your higher power. Then you stand and pace and say something that reminds you that the only thing that matters is performing
The lights burn into you but you don’t really feel them. In front of you the audience lingers behind a fourth wall awaiting your every move and you do not want to dissapoint . You inhale the smell of the crowd, you inhale the power you command standing before them and suddenly you are on. You forget the fear, your lines and lyrics return. You are a performer and at the moment all you live for is being the best at your job.
Such is the appeal of applause. Such is the feeling you get on stage. It is the reason some performers say “the theatre is my life”.
Over the past week I have watched far too many Michael Jackson videos and recorded live concerts. While I enjoyed the music I also watched the two different Michaels, one onstage and one off. In one of the oft replayed interviews the soft spoken Jackson confessed that he was happiest on stage. It is obvious that even his Neverland Ranch could not take him as far away from reality as the appeal of applause. It is an addiction that sometimes creates ‘monster performers’, those who will do anything to please an audience. And the audience gives them all the approval they need. The adoring audience pushes the abusive father, the neglectful mother, the unfaithful spouse to the back of your mind. When you stand before the crowd you must give them your best because you need them to appreciate what you have given them.
And what you give them is the best of yourself.
I have to admit that I miss performing – but only sometimes. Over the past few years I have become addicted to people appreciating what I wrote instead of what I sing or who I become onstage. My last off Broadway performance reminded me how much I love the theatre but how much work you have to put into keeping yourself and the character alive. Given three days to learn a role to replace someone who was ill, I had to use everything I had every learned and then some. I ignored my family to learn my lines, my blocking and my character. I refused to answer the phone when it rang often turning it off and hoping that someone else in the house would take the responsibility of handling emergencies without me. I ignored proper diet and ate when I could and whatever I could. The bedroom I share with my husband was a mess of clothes strewn about because I was leaving early and returning late and was only focused on me- the performer. Once I adjusted to life in the lights- and got that first night of amazingly wonderful applause- I allowed the old me to come back. I answered the phone, cleaned up the room, even went shopping. But a few hours before I was to go on stage I related to no one but me and the audience that I was there to serve. It is not the easiest thing to do and sometimes you forget to separate the worlds you live in, but the appeal of applause is great.
The entertainment world is very fickle and many are called but very, very, very few are chosen. As Warhol said, you got fifteen minutes. So you make the best of it. There is nothing in the world like the sound of two hands clapping for you. Imagine what the sound of millions of hands sounds like when you are someone with a background like Michael Jackson. That sound could lift you to heaven. And a standing ovation? Nothing can compare. You have died and gone to heaven.
Performers try to steal the spotlight from each other to win that audience approval- and love. They ‘upstage’ one another. The term comes from the layout of the stage itself. Int he early days of theatre the rear of the stage performing area was higher then the front- i.e. up. When a performer is closer to the audience they are downstage. When they are further back they are upstage. If you are downstage you cannot see what the performer behind you is doing- but the audience can. Naturally the audience turns its attention to the upstage performer who is doing something to steal focus from the downstage performer. People have lost theatre jobs for stealing focus from major performers, some have lucked out and become stars in their own right. No one on stage with Michael could ever steal focus, the world was glued to his every move. And he kept it that way by living for performing. He may have loved his mother and his children, he may have used his money and power to be a humanitarian, but he was alive on stage.
This morning I opened an email from a friend who has a new show coming out. I remember the excitement of knowing you are going to be on stage and being unable to wait for the moment when you were allowed to perform. It literally can take your breath away. But this morning I couldn’t wait to write this and work on a literary piece. When someone appreciates what I have written I get the old ‘diva’ feeling back. It never really left but I pushed it down so I could survive a non performing world and write. That is what I live for these days. The late, great Michael Jackson was living for the concerts he was to do. How well I understand that as a performer and as a writer. The appeal of applause these days for me comes in comments of my posts, and emails about my writing. Sometimes there is nothing for me and I loose myself in what I am writing, there is a high in that that reminds me that Neverland is past the ‘first star on the left and straight on to morning.’ It is at these moments when I understand completely what it means to live for one’s art. You see, there is nothing like the applause you get from your soul for fulfilling your dream. Thats really what you see when you watch Michael Jackson perform. The artist in spite of himself. Thats why you applaud.
By the way the ‘First star on your left and straight on to morning’ is from “Peter Pan”. Its part of the directions to get to Neverland.
